Birthday planning is a challenge, but having a winter birthday makes can make it even more traumatic. No one wants to go out to celebrate your life when it’s cold, so here are some sad winter birthday ideas that’ll make you seriously resent Kelly’s stupid summer birthday.
Retro Roller-Skating Party
Roller-skating is a fun and inclusive way to enjoy yourself, plus you won’t have to worry about shivering on your birthday! It’s a good birthday party; it’ll just never be as good as Kelly’s parties because Kelly is a June birthday person and therefore has not been confined to sad indoor birthdays for her whole life of birthdays.
Plan your special day at one of those big grown-up trampoline places that you’ve only seen on reality shows. Sure, you can’t celebrate by soaking up the rays and the mimosas like Kelly does every time she ages, but you can, like, jump around? That’s fun, right? Jumping around is at least fun for a few minutes—until it quickly devolves into a lot of work and probably an injury for at least one of your friends. Also, you can’t really drink while you’re doing it. Wow, good thing this party will keep you busy so you won’t have any time while you’re bouncing to rage-glare at Kelly for being born in an outdoor month.
Group Cooking Class
Cooking class is fun for everyone … and usually involves alcohol! This is a great option if you want to spend tons of money just to stand in front of food and calculate how much less Kelly had to spend on her potluck picnic last summer. Oh, and Tara! You completely forgot that Tara was born in August and has a pool party at her rich family’s house every single year. Yeah, when you were a kid you pitied the summer birthdays for not getting an in-school celebration but life is different now. Now you fucking hate them.
Embrace the cold with a classic snowball fight! You never really enjoyed them as a kid, and you’ll probably enjoy them even less as an adult. At least this wholesome event will guarantee that your summer birthday friends also don’t enjoy any of their time. Because if you have to sit there miserably throwing icicles from your eyes at the friends who reluctantly showed up, then they shouldn’t be having any fun, either!
Just Grab Drinks
So you’re going to try to plan something for a while and then give up and decide to just grab drinks somewhere. That’s fine! Because all you need on your birthday is to be surrounded by your friends. Especially your friends who are Cancers and Leos and have just had birthday joy handed to them. Those ungrateful fucks.
This winter, do your best with the options you have available. And when that doesn’t work, try to enjoy hating Kelly’s birthday. She gets to go to the fucking beach!