Why I’m Dating My Electric Blanket

It’s getting colder out there, and it’s also cold in that glaring vacancy on the left side of your bed. When you can’t cozy up to a man giving off natural (and free!) body heat, not only are you reminded that you have nobody in your life who loves you, but you also get significantly chillier. Talk about cold. Fortunately, I do not feel the frigid clutch of winter loneliness because I’ve made the leap and decided to start dating my electric blanket. It might sound crazy to people who don’t know us and haven’t seen how good we are together, but trust me: It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in. He listens, he’s cuddly, and he contains an integrated electrical heating device—basically everything you could want in a guy! I highly recommend that every woman locks down an electric blanket lover before winter is upon us. Here’s why:

 

He Hears Me

He always responds when I plug him in, and he backs off, no questions asked, the second I get too sweaty, kick off the sheets, or remove him from the wall socket. There’s never any resentment or concern that “I’m being weird” when I don’t want to get close. He’s not controlling like that. In fact, you could even say that I control him. He can be a real hothead sometimes, but the second I turn the dial down and tell him to cool it, he always drops the temperature to fit my exact needs. Sure, my electric blanket doesn’t speak like a human man might, but he doesn’t need a voicebox to support me in my career as a stage actor in regional theater. He hasn’t missed a single show!

 

 

He’s Not Needy

It’s not that neediness is necessarily a deal-breaker for me—it actually seems like it would be nice to be needed, maybe, by another living member of the human race. But it just happens to be a quality that my current boyfriend, my electric blanket, does not have. He never calls or texts to ask where I am, which allows me to live an independent, free life, totally separate from the electric outlets he requires to function.

 

He’s Great in Bed

There’s nothing like the sensation of a lover enveloping you in their warm embrace while making love—and it’s even better when that embrace is fleece-lined! Unlike other boys, who will hit it and quit it, leaving you shivering and alone on a cold winter’s night, my electric blanket never puts a cap on how long we can cuddle afterwards. And, let me tell you ladies, it’s the most accurate simulation of human touch that I’ve ever had. Sometimes we don’t leave my bed for days! There’s nothing like a weekend of Netflix and chill—or rather, Netflix and warm! I love my blanket.

 

He Makes Me A Better Person

I won’t lie to you, when I first considered entering a relationship with my electric blanket, I had to ask myself a lot of questions, like “Is this crazy?”, “What will people think?”, and “Why can’t I find a sentient male being to love me?” But my electric blanket had no trouble taking it slow and allowing me to do some soul searching at singles bars, just making sure there was no one out there who wanted what I was putting out before officially beginning our special relationship. Now I have the confidence to say to the world and my mother, “I love my electric blanket.” Mom might think I’m just thanking her for giving me the blanket as a gift, but what I’m really saying is, “Thank you for setting us up!”

 

 

My relationship with my electric blanket has been the healthiest one of my life and I couldn’t be happier if I was dating a real, independent-thinking member of the male species. Well, fine, maybe a little happier, but that’s not really an option right now. Anyways, it seems pretty obvious that when Kelly Clarkson sang her famous words, “You know the bed feels warmer sleeping here alone,” it was because she had an electric blanket of her own to snuggle up with and get her through another debilitating, lonely night! I love you, my blanket!

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