Why I Stopped Dating Men and Married a True Crime Podcast

Dating men can be awful from the start. I went on countless dates with men over the years and eventually, they wore me out. I finally decided that dating men was too much pain without enough gain. It felt like I gained so much more satisfaction from spending time with good friends, family, food, and compelling episodic storytelling about mysterious unsolved murders. That’s why I’ve sworn off all men, and instead have married my favorite true crime podcast instead.

 

Needless to say, I’ve never been happier.

 

Face it: Men are boring, insecure and dramatic. True crime podcasts are engaging, compelling, well-produced, and interesting. Instead of your friend Big Drunk Jeff, I want to hear about how the Manson Family coming together reflected the rise of the hippie movement in the 1960s through the voice of an endearingly nerdy and surprisingly relatable female host. And instead of hearing how you like feminism, but only to a point, I want to hear the story of (and kind of uncomfortable identify with) Aileen Wuornos.

 

My marriage to a true crime podcast has brought me nothing but joy. When dating a man, I would come home from a long day of work to have to sit through stories of his day, but now I can come home, curl up with my phone, and let the history and details of the Jack the Ripper murders (which I’d heard about but never really learned about, you know?) wash over me while I play a phone game and think about all the bad dates with men I’m not going on.

 

 

And I don’t even have to clean up after anybody anymore ­– not even the murders. Those already happened years ago.

 

Whether you’re folding clothes, running, or just riding the bus, a true crime podcast is a steady, loving and faithful partner. So, I call on all women who date men: Do what I did, swear off men, and devote yourself wholeheartedly to your favorite true crime podcast. Believe me: even the shittiest podcast is better than any man you’ll find.

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