I’ll say it loud and proud: I’ve been dating with a guy with a gigantic, tremendous dick. I have not seen it yet, but I know it’s true because Matt told me so. And why would he lie?
I’ve seen other dicks and am generally familiar with how measurement works. But more than that, I’m frustrated with my life, so I don’t have time to consider a world in which Matt’s penis isn’t huge and gorgeous. Sure, when I feel it graze against me it feels like a trembling pinky finger, but there’s no way to actually verify that. I’m gonna stick with Matt’s word on this one!
Why would I need more than Matt’s word on this? Whether I like it or not, he’s the guy I’m dating right now, so his word goes. I won’t be with Matt forever—but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t take his word on his gigantic cock as indisputable truth. And I see no reason why you shouldn’t believe his word, too.
Look, measurements aren’t proof of anything. Everyone knows that the inch isn’t what it used to be. I mean, who can really trust rulers? Measuring tape, yardsticks, a handyman who’s good at “eyeballing”—they’re all meaningless these days. You know that and I know that; it’s common sense. The only evidence we need regarding Matt’s big bad boinker is his word on the subject.
Numbers, after all, are never actually hard evidence of anything. The only “hard evidence” I’m looking for is Matt’s tremendous, throbbing, thick-twig schlong. You say you’ve seen photos and it’s “three inches, on a good day,” and I say that it’s nine inches of steel. You think you’re right, and I know I’m right, and that’s fine, but you’re also wrong.
Believe it or not, it really matters to Matt what we think about his penis. That doesn’t mean that he’s lying about its size, but it does mean that any assertion that it’s “simply not big, and that’s fine” is a blatant assault on his self-esteem and honestly, I’m not about to lose my position as his girlfriend over dumb little details like this. Besides, when you tell Matt his dick is small (which it’s not!!!) it distracts from his job of dating me. So stop it! Just stop it. Seriously, he’s not going to drop this unless you do—so just shut up. Matt says you should, and I believe him!