I hear it all the time – my aggressive unwelcome flirtations and sexual comments are upsetting to women. Men who behave like me on the street are terrifying for women to deal with. But here’s the catch: women never complain when they receive compliments from sweet old men. They think it’s cute, or old-fashioned, or a harmless outburst of someone who doesn’t know any better. So my question is: When can I get on board that gravy train?
The nurses who work at my grandpa’s nursing home can’t get enough of his banter. “Give me a smile, Rita,” he’ll say to his aide, Rosalita. She smiles every time! Yet the same comment from me in the parking lot when she gets off her shift is met with silence as she hurries to her car. Give me a break! Grandpa wants to fuck you just as bad as I do. He just can’t do it anymore. Anyway, I’m the one who actually remembered your name. I’ve made that clear by reading it off your nametag on multiple occasions. I’m the kind of guy who visits his grandpa and remembers people’s names—that at least deserves a handjob.
It’s the same at my deli. Sal, the owner who lives part-time in Florida, lives like a king behind that counter. I’ve seen Sal flirt with girls as young as three years old. That doesn’t make sense. The age of the people you can unrelentingly hit on should get older as you age. All I’m asking for is to be able to tell women of legal age how they look and occasionally what I would like to do to them. Is that a lot to ask?
Do I have to retire to get in on the “tacitly accepted” sexual harassment action? Do I have to dye my hair gray, look frail, and say old-people words like “oriental”? Because I will do that, if that’s what it takes.
Can’t a guy under sixty get a little eye contact once in awhile when he’s shouting compliments at you? It really hurts to be ignored, just because you’re capable of overpowering a woman. Maybe I haven’t produced a bunch of grandkids, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to. I do. Which is why I’m telling you I do. With you. I want to do things to you that will cause you to have babies who will have babies of their own someday. That’s how it works.
What do you mean, “I’m a creep”? Is it because I’m 28? That’s ageist!
So how old do I have to be exactly? What do I have to show you women maturity-wise so that I can vocally appreciate your big, beautiful ass? I’ll carry a cane or dress like it’s thirty degrees colder than it is outside if it means I can tell you how good you look. Just because I’m not old, doesn’t mean I’m not lonely. So please, let me know how when I’ll be old enough to do this with some level of success.
In the meantime, I’ll just keep plugging away, letting every large or small-breasted woman know just how much I appreciate her.