In the words of our incredible First Lady, Michelle Obama, “When they go low, we go high.” I believe these words will define our generation, and inspire our country to end our current cycle of meanness and hatred. Preach! But if they’re really gonna sink that low, can I still just make like one little, tiny bitchy comment?
Just to be clear, Michelle wasn’t talking about like little things I say quietly under my breath, but just loud enough for those around me to hear, right? Surely, not. That would be crazy. Who can be that good of a person? Probably Michelle Obama. She’s probably actually that good. She probably takes all those bitchy comments and stores them in her flawless, iron arms.
It’s so hard to take the high road, especially when the other side is really awful and you know you’ve got some really hot zingers in your head, you know? I think if I get to say like maybe one or two really mean things to blow off some steam, I’ll get it out of my system and then we can all focus on the issues. I promise, I’m not a bad person, but it’s like, I just like can’t help but think this stuff. Can’t I just squeeze in like, one sick burn before I walk away? Just one?
Does brunch count? I can still say what’s on my mind at brunch, right? Michelle Obama can’t possibly be nice for an entire brunch??? I know my girls won’t go around spreading the bitchy things we always say. Plus, I can donate to some campaigns or like help veterans or something to make up for it. I think that’s more than a fair compromise. Going low now so I can go high later!
Wait, I just remembered Gchat. Is that off limits, too? Gchat is free reign to just cut down everyone you know, right? It’s basically the brunch of the internet. Everywhere else I’ll be high as hell, and no one will really notice that I said some shit to Stacy that I shouldn’t have said out loud. No one can leak gchats right? After that I’m going so fucking high you won’t even be able to hear me say anything super bitchy. I swear!!
Okay, what if I just write my mean thoughts on the walls anonymously in various bathroom stalls? Bathroom stalls are like built for this sort of thing! No one will know who wrote it, and I will feel a lot better. Seems like a win, win! Plus I get to try vandalism, which I’ve always wanted to dip my toes into. Come on it’s just like ONE super tiny, super bitchy thing I just HAVE to say!!
Look: When they go low, I’ll go high. But if you hear a whisper of something really bitchy in the wind, it’s me and I apologize ahead of time. I’m not Michelle Obama. I’m a human woman, okay?