Periods! They’re messy, smelly and ruin good panties. That’s why every woman owns two sets of undies: one for when she’s on her period and one for when she’s on her man. Period underwear is not meant for regular use, but sometimes a girl gets desperate. Here’s what to do when you forget you’re wearing your blood-stained bests and end up in a compromising position.
Tell him it’s the new Valentines Day edition at Victoria Secret.
Given the sex-ed in this country, your guy might not even know how periods work, let alone that they stain underwear. Tell him that these are special edition Vicky Sec’s Valentine’s Day panties, with a red blotch that stands for passion. Not only will this turn him on even more, but he’ll be touched to know that you went the extra mile to pick up a special pair of panties for this oh-so-special night.
Point out the poop streak in his undies.
Since men are neglectful of dabbing their peen after peeing, they too often forget that their buttholes require the touch of a two-ply, velvety soft piece of toilet paper. They’re basically poopy, pee-y messes. If he notices your extra pink panties, call out his double fudge briefs! Is your guy fastidious with his bum bum? Fuel that OCD paranoia by gaslighting him into thinking you saw a smear.
Say you accidentally spilled wine on them.
Thank God for red wine! Not only will it take the edge off your embarrassment, it’ll also serve as an excuse for why your panties look like less like a porno and more like a slasher flick. So while he’s pulling off your briefs and reacts to the rosé tint…blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. “Oh that? That’s just from when I spilled my wine while trying to pee.”
Pretend you stood too close to the radiator.
Standing too close to the radiator and burning your underwear is a real thing. Or it could be. Thanks to the winter chill, you’ve been sitting on the radiator for extra warmth. Quickly inform him about panty charring and he’ll understand.
Tell him it’s coffee.
I mean, it’s possible!
Turn off the lights.
A simple solution. Just turn the fucking lights off!
Let him keep ‘em.
At the end of the day, we know just what sick fucks men can be. Instead of spending all that effort coming up with elaborate fabrications for your bloody knickers, just let him have them. He’ll probably be into that shit.
At one point or another your cute thongs, tangas, g-strings, and bikini briefs will all become period panties and begin the bloody cycle once again. Cover your tracks with a little sneaky skivvy subterfuge!