You met him at Kayla’s grandma’s party last weekend and woke up to a follow notification from Uncle Merv—what now? Your Instagram is on public because you’re not a nerd, but you also do not need Uncle Merv scrolling back to two years ago and getting an eyeful of you in that spring break bikini, either. Your bikini selfies are for a target audience of “everyone except creepy old dudes who drive scary trucks”. This is the reason some people opt for a private Instagram—to prevent middle-aged people without boundaries from tracking your day-to-day life without your consent. But, alas, you’re not boring, so here are a few options to make this right, gals. Here’s your Merv-handling plan:
Block the uncle.
Right away you pull the trigger, like a no-nonsense gas station attendant who is not about to be robbed today. You don’t think anything of it. There was a line and he took his finger and stepped right over it. He can’t miss what he barely knew. Later, Uncle Merv—guess you’re gonna have to whack off to Kayla’s other friends!
“Hey Kayla, it’s me, umm this is kind of weird to bring up, but your uncle followed me on Instagram…oh I’m glad you also think he is gross… Can you tell him to stop doing that to people… Oh you don’t want to talk to him, either? Well, can you have your mom tell him then, ‘cuz like I still want to be able to take those pictures of me doing yoga in unexpected places…” Just because he’s blocked doesn’t mean he can’t see your downward dog on his desktop!
DM the uncle.
Uncles are not particularly adept at picking up on subtle “I’m uncomfortable” cues from young women, so make sure to spell it out for him: “Hey, Uncle Merv. Thanks for the follow but I am not at all comfortable with my friend’s really old uncle whos I have only met once following me. Please stop commenting on my selfies or I will call Grandma Billie to tell her what you did. And I know you live with her, so don’t play me.” This will translate roughly to, “Hi I am pretty girl thank you for following me!” but he’s still blocked, so you’re good.
You go rogue and post an uncle-specific photo (AKA, public shaming).
First, you need to download one of those apps that lets you write on pictures. Then you pull up a cute-ass selfie, maybe a brooding one where you’re flipping off the camera but in like an aloof way? Next, you write this on the photo of your face: “HEY UNCLE MERV + ALL OTHER PEOPLE WHO ARE OVER 45 & NOT A CELEBRITY: DO NOT FOLLOW ME, I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE UP TO AND I THINK YOU’RE A GROSS CREEPAZOID. HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE INTERNET? THERE IS ENOUGH SHIT ON THERE FOR YOU TO OGLE, INCLUDING ACTUAL PORN. GET OFF MY INSTAGRAM YOU OLD MAN.” This will ward off future uncle-like men as well. Who even taught them to use Instagram? It better not be Kayla, that’s for sure!
If you follow these steps perfectly, you should be able to defuse this particular social media bomb. You’ll be covered until Kayla’s wedding next fall! Good effing luck!