So your man just left you for another lady. They tell you that it’s his loss, and that this new girl is nothing compared to you. But you secretly suspect that maybe she is better than you. Since he rudely refused to give you a solid answer the last time you screamed, “What does she have that I don’t?” to his voicemail, we’ve compiled a helpful list of everything she has that you don’t:
Voluminous red hair
Fendi bag
Backyard with a trampoline
Post-bacc certificate from Yale
Fluency in three languages (English, Italian, Mandarin)
Health insurance
Beautifully manicured fingernails
A trust fund AND an exceptional work ethic
Brow powder
Knowledge of how to apply brow powder
Furniture polish (used weekly)
Beyoncé’s email address
No cavities
7,000+ followers on Instagram
Relatively mild caffeine addiction
A dishwasher
Aesthetically pleasing résumé
A beanbag chair that, for whatever reason, ties the room together
Balanced self-esteem
Genuine affinity for kale
Hot-looking license photo
Typical human toes
Well-stocked wine cellar
Season pass to Six Flags
Beautiful singing voice
Unquestionable family history
Functional car
Breasts that are full but still perky
A fully charged phone
Relatively non-traumatic middle school experience
Friends who call her a teasing nickname in a loving way
Respectable vinyl collection
Friendship based on mutual respect with Joan Didion
Political views
Solid grasp on her mortality
So there you have it. She’s got many things that you don’t have, including your ex. But are these even things you want? Of course they are, but think about the things you have that she doesn’t have! Wait – maybe don’t think about that.
