He said he’d be here at 8 PM sharp, so where the hell is he?! There can only be a billion horrendous explanations so it’s about time for you to completely lose perspective on your relationship. Here are some of the most terrifying reasons your man is between 0.1 and 5 minutes late:
1. He’s asleep, dreaming of another woman.
2. He’s gay.
3. He’s sick with something gross, that he caught at a strip club.
4. He’s killing and eating a squirrel, just for fun!
5. He’s a time traveller and he’s cheating on you right now with his beautiful frontier wife.
6. He’s burning down your house with his cheating dick.
7. He’s a time traveller and he’s cheating before he releases a dossier that will undermine the notion of democracy throughout the free world and separate him from you forever.
8. He doesn’t like your hair vlog and is ripping on it right now with friends at an internet café.
9. The wall of flowers he wanted to surprise you with, Kanye-style, is too big to fit through the restaurant door (this one is good!!!).
10. It didn’t fit through the door so he spent the last hour peeing on it.
11. He heard about that dog you accidentally shot.
12. He saw you sitting here but left because he didn’t like your hair.
13. He felt judged by your eight friends who came to judge him at your birthday drinks last week.
14. God hates you.
15. Nicholas Sparks lied to you.
17. Your Dad never loved you. Why should this guy?
18. He seemed to agree that you were looking less toned the last time he saw you.
19. He meant it when he said he wasn’t looking for a relationship.
20. He’s flying to Syria to join ISIS.
21. He’s heading to Syria to join ISIS in the resistance movement against you when you were in your raver phase.
22. He’s dead.
23. You’re dead.
24. Oh shit, there he is! Hi Greg I missed you!!!!!
Maybe you should get things in perspective. It’s only been five minutes, and he’s probably just waiting for his friend to get here so there’s someone to film your reaction when he proposes to you through the medium of musical theatre, right in front of all these doubters! Yes, it’s definitely that. You are okay!