Wake The Fuck Up, It’s Short Sleeve Sweater Weather!

Hurt Like Shit - Reductress

Guys, it’s here. Get up. What are you doing?! GUYS! WAKE. THE FUCK. UP.

 

IT’S SHORT SLEEVE SWEATER WEATHER!!!

 

I shouldn’t be yelling?! YOU SHOULDN’T BE SLEEPING.

 

There is no time to waste. Right now is that precious, miniscule sliver of time where it’s seasonably appropriate to wear an ill advised short sleeve sweater purchase, and it’s happening right outside your window. No more hitting snooze on life! Wake the fuck up! It’s short sleeve sweater weather and you’ve already missed 47 minutes of it.

 

Open your eyes!!!

 

 

This day is not a common one. Oh, no. Short sleeve sweater weather is rare. Many mornings start off as short sleeve sweater weather only to drop down to freezing or spike up to sweating your tits off.

 

But today…today is perfect. And it’s already an hour old! GET THE FUCK ON IT.

 

When an underpaid garment worker in an unregulated factory made this very short sleeve sweater, she had this day in mind. She had you in mind. It’s what kept her going without food or rest breaks into the wee hours of the morning. She had to get your short sleeve sweater just right. She knew you needed to look dope as fuck, while fashionably straddling the line between summer and fall.

 

Are you still not wearing one? What’s wrong with you? What are you doing still reading this? Get up. GET UP!

 

 

Go to your closet and grab your short sleeve sweater. Right now. You know the one. You bought it thinking there’d be plenty of opportunities to wear it, like at Julia’s annual rooftop party in Bushwick or that after work drinks thing by the pier. You thought it would make its way into your monthly rotation, but here we are, three years later and you’ve only worn it twice. Both on days that were decidedly NOT short sleeve sweater weather. That’s why today is so important. Today is redemption day. It is your choice whether to take it.

 

I can’t help but realize you’re still not in your short sleeve sweater. Fine. Leave it in your closet next to all your other seasonally inappropriate purchases, like your open-toed knee-high boots, leather tank top and flannel hot pants. Your loss. I for one, am going to take advantage of today and wear the fuck out of my short sleeve sweater. ’Tis the fucking season!!!!

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