As a woman, every time you venture out into the world is an opportunity to gather helpful tips and responses about your physical appearance. While most friends and lovers are too tactful to comment on your shortcomings, there’s one person who can totally explain why your going out look is not working: your gay friend! Since he’s neither a competitor nor a romantic interest and super sassy, he can feel totally free give this unsolicited feedback that leaves you feeling scrutinized but still somehow loved!
Explaining In Detail Why Your Shoes Are Bad But In A Sassy Way
He didn’t just tell you the wedges you wore are terrible. He gave a detailed explanation elaborating the difference between night shoes and day shoes, weekend heels and weekday platforms. He’s an expert on women’s fashion because he watches Drag Race and wore heels once to theme party on Fire Island. He’s just looking out for you and he’s gay, so why do you feel so terrible, and ew, why did you just spend $375 at Macy’s?
Informing You That Your Loungewear Could Really Be Upgraded, Ya Bitch
You didn’t even invite him over and were planning an evening alone with a bottle of wine, but now that your gay boyfriend showed up, you have something even better: mean comments about the clothing you were planning on sleeping in! So what if he called you a bitch. He meant it in the fun way gay people use it! You know, like BITCH! Not, “bitch.”
Telling You Your Jeans Are One Size Too Small
You thought the casual look you wore to the bar was fine. Unfortunately, Stephen shouted across the bar that you’re probably a size 27 now and you two need to go jean shopping ASAP cause you look disgusting. Now everyone in the bar knows you’ve been stress-eating lately and have got a cameltoe situation going on: that’s what friends are for. But it’s whatever! He’s a white guy who dates guys so he can’t be a misogynist, right? He’s just tellin’ it like it is!
Kindly Offering To Give You A Makeover, Honey, Cause Honestly You Need It
Maybe he didn’t realize that the fact that he singled you out at brunch over your hair was a bad thing. Now that everyone’s discussing what hair color would be best for you, you can wonder how long everyone’s thought you needed an upgrade. But since he likes guys, worships beautiful women, and is kind of a pro at makeup, it doesn’t matter – you just have to go with it!
You didn’t ask for any kind of analysis of your physical appearance, but you don’t have to worry about it: he’s gay! If you think of your life as one long class in beautifying yourself, you’ll feel better about the fact that he keeps crushing your sense of self but in a cute way. Now suck it up and let him touch your boobs without asking!