Look; I know it sounds weird, but it’s true: I hate taking compliments! It feels so gross to let people sing your praise without protest. So from now on, in lieu of compliments, please just leave gifts at my feet at your convenience.
Every time someone gives me a compliment, I am just like “ACK!” What could be worse than someone saying something nice about you? I mean sure, I spend 80 minutes or more getting dressed every morning in hopes that someone will say, “You look so cute today!” But I don’t want people to actually tell me they appreciate it! Ew! So please, keep your mouth shut, and walk on by, right after you leave a present at my feet. Larger gifts on the right, small tokens of appreciation on the left, please and thank you.
Compliments feel unnatural to receive, but this just makes sense.
Of course, the worst part about receiving compliments is trying to figure out what to say or do after the compliment is given. It can be so awkward! I could give a compliment in return, but that feels insincere, like I’m only saying it because they said one first. But saying nothing makes me seem too humble, and then they just want to keep repeating the compliment until I acknowledge that it was given in the first place. And saying, “Thank you?” Only a psycho would return a simple compliment with “thank you.” So let’s keep it simple and you can just leave presents for me like the three kings did for Jesus. They never asked him for anything in return, or hung around waiting to see how he would respond, so just leave a gift for me and then go away like they did. Trust me; it works!
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I don’t want any compliments. I’m not some kind of monster! I just need you to express your appreciation in the form of gems or jewels, or honestly any kind of valuable gift—I’m not picky. Wouldn’t it be easier for you to just leave gifts than to have to strike up a whole conversation with me? Great, then it’s a win-win.
So from now on, whenever I look my best, don’t feel pressured into saying something like, “I love your outfit!” or “Nice hair!” Instead, I will spread my feet. That way there will always be space for you to bow down before me and gently leave your compliments in the form of gifts or even cash. And I take credit as well but cash is preferred. Anything but a dreaded compliment!