Congratulations! Your long-term boyfriend has finally put a ring on it and you’re both excited to move into the next phase of your life together. The problem? Engagement photos. Inexplicably, a number of men have to be dragged kicking and screaming into posing with their fiancées in a pastoral field, holding balloons or kissing recklessly on railroad tracks. If we can’t shove our love into the faces of our Facebook acquaintances, then what’s the point of getting married? Here are some tips for sneaking in some amazing engagement photos, whether he knows it or not:
Hide high-resolution cameras in idyllic locations. Do you live near a bench that overlooks a pond, or a brick wall that’s not, you know, disgusting? Scout out some great shots and hide an unobtrusive, top of the line spy camera that’s programmed to send all captured footage to your home computer.
Take him for a walk to the same locations. To get him to go for a walk, you may have to incentivize him with ice cream or sex, but it will be worth it. Pick a sunny day, and only bring the dog if he’s really cute or so ugly that he’s cute. Cheat toward the cameras to showcase your smiling faces.
Get him to put on a nice shirt. A t-shirt doesn’t count as a shirt, either. Tell him to take off that fucking hat. A button-up with a chunky sweater is the way to go, but a passable polo will do in a pinch.
Gaze at him lovingly like it’s the most natural thing in the world. If public displays of affection don’t come naturally to your guy, try whispering sweet nothings about his penis size or video game playing ability. Try playing the staring game to get him to hold still and allow the cameras to focus. Illicit grins and adoring looks will get you the best shots.
Convince him you planned this all together after the fact. Yes, he’ll be stymied by the sudden appearance of engagement photos he doesn’t remember taking, but not if you stick the story that you had several sessions with a photographer and he must have just forgot. Men won’t admit it, but they block out a great deal of what happens in a day.
It’s not every day you tousle his hair by the train tracks or sit together on some stairs, so bask in your perfect couple glory—even if he can’t remember a thing. You’ll look back on these pictures and smile. He’ll look back and say, “When did these happen, again?”