We’ve all been there: You need to throw wine into an adversary’s face, so you just grab whatever is cheapest and closest to your throwing arm. Hey, you’re no wine expert! Careful: You could ruin a perfectly good argument by pairing it with the wrong throwing wine. Not knowing anything about wine is no excuse to toss some cheap Moscato into your frenemy’s eyes. That’s why we sat down with world-renowned sommelier, Marcel Koch, who told us everything you’ll ever need to know about expressing your disdain through tannins. Make the right kind of splash at your next dinner party, event, or argument with these signature wines:
2005 Chateau De Cruzeau Pessac-Leognan, $26.99
If you’ve reached a dead-end in a useless conversation, look no further than this elegant Bordeaux. Marcel suggests a refined wine like this when you want to show you that you are out. It has a simple tannin construction that says, “You’re not worth my time, bitch,” and finishes with a toasty oak aftertaste. A face spritz from this subtle, but interesting Bordeaux will make it clear that you have the upper-hand and remind that tart of her status, which is under you. As for presentation, “Chateau” is especially perfect for a cool, over-the-shoulder splash that says, “I may be angry, but I’m not about to lose control in front of you.”
2011 Volver Triga Red Alicante, $37.99
A flat wine isn’t any less of a bold wine, and a full-bodied, opulent wine is the perfect way to boldly shower your opponent in a vivified metaphor of disgust. This Marcel-approved Red Alicante bottle has the big tannins to overwhelm the senses on that lying snitch’s face and leaves behind a velvety finish, ensuring that, upon drying off, the sensation of thrown wine lingers. Marcel says, “Look at those legs —a buttery, creamy wine such as this will keep the throwee remembering they are human garbage hours after you fling your full glass of wine at them.”
2007 Conterno Fantino Barolo Mosconi, $82
Wine-throwing speaks louder than words and you’ll be heard loud and clear when you throw this Barolo! Marcel prefers an austere wine like the Barolo Mosconi when a situation requires an air of serious vengeance. The Barolo has very high tannins and high acidity, with no fruity flavors to soften the blow. Marcel assures us that opting for a Barolo will create a wine throwing your guests will not soon forget, “especially if it gets into the eyes.”
No. 69 Jean-Charles Boisset Pinot Noir, $25
The art of choosing great throwing wines means knowing when to keeping it simple. Sometimes, a wine needs to be thrown simply for the sake of being thrown. When you’re feeling ignored and desperate for the spotlight, reach for this flamboyant wine to enliven the taste buds and the party. Its fruit overtones and rich color will bring everyone’s eye back where it belongs: you, the person who just threw a glass of wine at another person.
Having these staple wines on hand will ensure that you’ll always have the right bottle to pair with your desperation and misplaced anger. But, now that you know the basics, Mr. Koch encourages you to start getting creative and playing around with new wines to toss at frustrating people. Happy wine throwing!