The surest path to finding love is to first love yourself, and this lady sure as hell does. Yes. I. Do.
Contrary to what it may look like—I’ve got a pretty hot date tonight, and you’re lookin’ right at her. If I play my cards right, I have a feeling I’ll score. Hell, I’m already on my way—this Real Housewives of New Jersey-sized glass of Chardonnay is pretty much my first base.
The oak in this ’09 California Chard is the only “wood” I’ll need tonight, thank you very much. I savor each sip and let the crisp, chilled nectar touch my lips. Its 12.5% ABV warms my entire being. It’s like junior high all over again. Butterflies. Magic. First base.
Things are getting warm in here. It’s time to slip into something more comfortable, or rather, slip out of all my clothes. Wink!
First thing that comes off is my bra. Who doesn’t love a little “under the sweater, over the bra” action? Looks like somebody just passed second.
Excuse me, delivery man? You’re wondering what a pretty woman like me is doing home on this Saturday night? This is my date night. Now excuse me while I get back to business.
Like any good date, this vino keeps things classy, but never shies away from the opportunity to push boundaries. For example: I knew buying that frozen cookie dough would be a good investment, and tonight, baby, it’s dividend time. Try to let the snickerdoodles cool before you take them into your mouth. If you’re feeling really freaky, dip them in milk for an oral experience you’ll never forget. Melt away into buttery bliss as you round third base.
Sure, it’s late, but you didn’t invest an evening in yourself to not go all the way. You’re an adult—nobody can tell you what to do or what is or isn’t acceptable behavior. Who cares if your downstairs neighbor complains about the noise? It’s your life. It’s your Jacuzzi bath. And it’s your home goddamn plate. Fire up those jets!
And sure, I may be really feeling rough when I wake up tomorrow morning, but I know the best way to start the day is with a little more first-base action. Good morning, lover!