Let’s be real: When we hear that Mercury is in retrograde, it sends an Earth-shattering shutter down our spines. Mercury going into retrograde is a time when planes could disappear for no reason, the rate of divorces probably rises, and your wifi connection always disappears for literally no reason. Everything in life is unpredictable during this time, but your love life doesn’t have to be! During a retrograde, avoid the unpredictability of going down on complex types who are ruled my Mercury and stick to these uncomplicated types who won’t ruin everything during this difficult time:
These guys are super aggressive in the corporate world, but not in the boudoir. After a long day of “trying to get it up” (their stock price), the last thing they have the energy for is sex. Most would be okay with a quick handjob — if they don’t fall asleep first! If the retrograde throws a wrench in your plans with a weird dick or premature ejaculation and you don’t know how to deal, who cares – this guy was a dick!
The College Jock
What one lacks in experience, one gains in predictability. Mercury going into retrograde is notorious for causing a riff in communication — but don’t worry, inexperienced college jocks who are just being introduced to the idea of others getting their rocks off have nothing to contribute but their youthful bodies and nervous laughter. No need to rely on the stars — like a parent with a baby on a leash, you have TOTAL control here. Plus, Mercury retrograde is a great time to revisit old projects, so going down on someone who’s an age you used to be should be a safe bet.
Your computer and retrograde Mercury are DEF not BFFs. In fact, they’re not even frenemies. Your computer or phone will most likely crash or freeze or whatever they call it when they understand what’s happening there. Giving a “technology driven” guy a quick hummer will guarantee safety for all of your devices. During retrograde season, it’s best to keep your warrantees close, and an Apple Genius closer!
The Sugar Daddy
In most cases, the benefits of having a “sugar daddy” is the “sugar” aspect. But when Mercury goes into retrograde, it’s the “Daddy” quality that you’ll most appreciate. In a crazy time where anything can happen— you’ll definitely appreciate it when your man is so old that nothing can happen. Like sleeping with a flabby, wrinkly pillow, you’ll be able to skip the unpredictable act of lovemaking and go straight to bed. Just tell him you gave him a beej later and he’ll assume he forgot about it.
Mercury in retrograde can be really scary! But if you just stay calm, and don’t make any sudden movements during your blowjobs, you’ll survive the next few weeks. Mercury going into retrograde is just like herpes, soon it’ll pass and you’ll forget all about it — until the next flare-up.