We all know that us girls are slaves to our biology, and should take extra care to modulate all basic life activities accordingly. Duh! In this modern world, new technological advancements means there are more and more things we need to be careful about exposing ourselves to, depending entirely on our time of the month. And nothing influences the sensitivities of our cycles like the number of browser tabs open on our computer. Luckily, we have a handy guide to help you keep your internet browsing safe and under control, with recommended tab ranges for every phase of your menstrual cycle.
Menstruation Period (Days 1 to ~5)
Recommended Browser Tabs: 4–7
This is the easiest phase of your cycle to track because it’s the one where you bleed out of your vag for about five days. All the hormones are at their cyclical low point, which you would think would make you calmer. But the hormonal shift combined with the inconvenience of bleeding out of your downstairs often makes women irritable and less focused. When you have to worry about regularly changing your tampon and are prone to emotional eating, you don’t want to take up extra mental energy getting too distracted by cat videos, amazing recipes you’ll never make, and articles about meditation—limit those browser tabs, girl!
Follicular Phase (Days ~6 to ~14)
Recommended Browser Tabs: 10–16
During most of the follicular phase, your body chemicals are pretty stable, so your emotional sensitivity to open browser tabs should be mostly under control. A high browser tab range during this time is normally safe. Just be aware that around Day 13, you will probably have an extreme jump in the hormone that causes ovulation. Set an alert on your phone and take precautions at that time to moderate browsing accordingly, keeping only the necessary tabs open and avoiding social media as much as possible. For most of this phase, however, a tab number on the higher end is usually manageable.
Luteal Phase, Part 1 (Days ~15 to ~21)
Recommended Browser Tabs: 8–14
Although the luteal phase technically lasts two weeks, it is best to divide it up. The second week is way more volatile than the first, so browser activities should definitely be adjusted accordingly. The first week of the luteal phase is fairly mellow, with progesterone levels up and most other hormones on the down-low. Uterine lining is thickening, which may sap a bit of energy, but you should be pretty emotionally chill, and capable of handling a high-ish browser tab count, including pages for adventurous new clothing items you are considering.
Luteal Phase, Part 2 (Days ~22 to ~28)
Recommended Browser Tabs: 1–3
The second half of the luteal phase is the danger zone, the time when most women are almost totally debilitated by mood swings, food cravings, cramps, and all other manner of cruelties devised by Mother Nature. This is when many women experience PMS and extreme sensitivity to open browser tabs. All internet activities ought to be undertaken at extreme caution, and we highly recommend keeping browser tab activity very low. Stick to sites that keep you mellow, and avoid ones that are liable to aggravate your body’s slowness to metabolize hormones. Don’t look at anything that’ll make you too emotional, or hungry, or horny, which may include email. When possible, just stick to bland 90s sitcoms on Netflix.
Obviously everyone who menstruates is slightly different, so it is best to adjust these recommendations to the patterns you observe in your own reactions to your browser history. When in doubt of your hormonal proclivities’ effect on your internet multitasking, remember: Less is always more!