With summer just around the corner, it’s important to stock up on waterproof makeup for every moment where your man might catch sight of your disgusting natural face. Men who say, “I love it when women don’t wear makeup” have no idea that what they really mean is, “I like teenage models with flawless yet defined facial features.” So here are the most watertight products to have on hand for every potentially wet occasion so your man never has to know what you actually look like, not even in the shower:
NYX Incredible Waterproof Concealer (Ulta, $8)
Nothing is as embarrassing as those dark circles under your eyes from the nights spent worrying about being found out as an ugly person. Keep your shitty face covered while you show off that new bikini bod with this fab waterproof concealer! It’s perfect for a day at the pool, especially those cute moments when your beau grabs you and drags you into the pool as a hilarious prank! This concealer will stay on forever, even when he holds you under water a little too long. You’ll never have to worry about anyone seeing acne, dark circles, or an inch of the skin that’s underneath! Never!!
Maybelline New York Lash Discovery Mini Brush Waterproof Mascara (Walgreen’s, $27)
What makes a waterproof mascara truly great is its ability to never smudge, ever, even in the most desperate of situations. While this mascara is not cheap, you can’t put a price on keeping the secret horrors of your face hidden from your man, even in your most vulnerable moments together. The impact of water often causes mascara to run from force alone, and you can’t end any kind of wet event with makeup that may reveal your true nature. Use this product so your stupid, embarrassingly tiny eyelashes stay covered up the whole way through, even in your post-shower cry!
Make Up For Ever Aqua Rouge Lip Color (Sephora, $23)
Nothing is more important than a lip color that won’t fade, no matter how long your shower together lasts. This OMG-worthy lippie from the vampiresses at Make Up For Ever is perfect for those long stretches of kissing or when your man casually tries to wipe some of it off while whispering, “I wanna see the real you.” He’s so dreamy, but he’s lying! This lip color is especially great for when your man finally allows you to give him in-shower oral sex. No man in his right mind wants a blowjob from a bare-lipped woman!
Stila Stay All Day Waterproof Liquid Eyeliner, $20
Every girl knows that no matter what, a great eyeliner will take your face from average to decently fuckable. Stila makes an eyeliner that lasts through anything, especially those nights after Zog Sports when you and your man are so sweaty, you have no choice but to pile into the shower together. The perfect formula will stay put as he lathers up a washcloth (sexy!) and tries to wipe down your face. His attempts at seeing what you hide underneath your makeup are aggressive and adorable! But you should never let him know what dark secrets lay beneath the surface.
All of these products are great for keeping your true self hidden from the one you love!