The Best Times at a Wedding to Bring Up That You’re Never Getting Married

Marriage? Puhleeze. Not for you! Your closest friends know about your “I do NOT!” stance, but there’s no better time and place to let everyone else know than at someone else’s nuptuals! Here’s how to let people know you’re always a bridesmaid and never, ever, ever a bride:


During The Vows:

It’s not rude if it’s quiet! Immediately after the twin “I Do’s,” shake your head in amazement, like you’re watching a trapeze artist, and stage-whisper, “I could never do that,” to the pew behind you. They’ll all nod to themselves and think, “There goes a maverick.” Mazel tov!


Once Dinner is Served:

Everyone else is mouthing off about their ideal bridal party dresses or reminiscing about their quaint little June wedding while teenagers in tuxedos pass out plates of salad. Now is the perfect time for an, “Actually, the divorce rate has only decreased because the marriage rate decreased,” or, “Yeah, but giving people tax benefits for being ‘in love’ is kind of bullshit, right?” The rest of the table might get really quiet, but it’ll be that “uncomfortable truths” type of quiet! Bonus points if you find a way to mention that you recently read Sex At Dawn.


During Your Toast:

If you’re lucky enough to be a maid of honor, this is your time! Let Lil’ Sis know you’re sooo happy for her and that it’s been a beautiful ceremony so that everyone thinks, “Wow, she managed to get through that speech without a single faux pas!” Then, with a sly wink at your parents, say, “Fortunately, Mom and Dad, you’ll never have to pay for mine! I’d rather you guys enjoy your retirement than buy me a party to celebrate my life decisions.” You’re not only too hip to settle into this bourgeois standard narrative, you’re also financially savvy and a good daughter!


Right Before Banging the Best Man’s Brother:

You’ve had your eye on him the whole night, and finally you’re making out in the coatroom. Don’t let this spontaneous moment distract you from asserting your opinions! Take your tongue out of his mouth, grab him by his Brooks Brothers tie, and whisper, “Marriage is a lie. But you know what isn’t?” Then, grab his penis and start having sex with it. You’re showing, not just telling!


While You’re Hunched Over the Toilet Crying and Vomiting:

So you had too many free bellinis—it’s not too late to make a statement! Wipe your pukey mouth as gracefully as you can, look up into the sympathetic face of the youngest bridesmaid, and say, “Sorry, I must be allergic to patriarchal customs dressed up as romance.” She might look shocked, but give her a few years and she’ll totally get it!


There you have it. No one will ever mistake you for yet another prisoner of the Marriage Industrial Complex if you sneak these coolness-asserting statements into someone else’s meaningful day. And remember, if you catch the bouquet, rip it into pieces and throw it back! Uhhh, NO THANKS!


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