Everyone knows losing weight isn’t about being skinny. Being on a diet is about building habits for a healthy lifestyle where you are strong and able to fit through a tiny window if a murderer is trying to murder you and that’s the only way out. Here are the best diets that will not only guarantee that you feel comfortable in your body, but that you also feel comfortable having escaped your murder.
Whole30
Sometimes you look in the mirror and you’re just not happy with what you see. Other times, you look in the mirror and you’re not happy because you’re trapped in a bathroom and there’s a killer after you and the only way out is through a tiny, jammed window that you don’t fit through. Whole30 is very on-trend right now, and not just because it promotes a healthful diet. Almost 100% of people who tried Whole30 were not murdered because they were trapped in a bathroom and couldn’t fit through a nearly frozen shut window. Now those are results that count!
Keto
The Ketogenic diet has proven to be very successful at helping you drop pounds fast. Unfortunately, it doesn’t shave pounds in the four seconds between when you slam the door shut, lock it, and run across the room to the little window in the shower that just doesn’t open very far for no apparent reason as an axe murderer hacks through the flimsy door standing between you. But if you think a murderer might be coming for you in a couple weeks, try the 14-Day Keto diet and you’ll probably make it out of this alive. Finally, some motivation to eat healthy and exercise!
Macrobiotics
The Macro diet is a highly controlled diet where you calculate the exact grams of protein, carbs, and fat. This diet really burns fat which is only important so your extra squishy parts don’t get caught in the window when the murderer busts through the door and lunges at your flailing feet. Hopefully once you’ve mastered this math-based diet, your brain will be able to calculate things more quickly, like exactly how much time it will take to lock the bathroom door and slide across the tile. Or how many heavy axe hits it takes to break down a standard bathroom door.
So whether you predict you’re going to end up being chased by a murderer or not, you should try one of these diets. Because nobody ever really plans on being chased by a murderer into a room with only one tiny window, but life is unpredictable so you might as well get really skinny just in case!
