A recent study from a team of scientists at Duke University found that it is, in fact, still annoying when Brian says exactly the right things regarding feminism and male privilege. Through an intensive process of data extraction and analysis, the study determined that even when Brian makes factually correct statements about manifestations of privilege in society, the words are goddamn annoying coming out of his mouth.
Lead scientist on the study, Dr. Molly Thompson, weighed in on what to make of the findings and whether or not they were in line with her initial hypothesis.
“My hypothesis was ‘Yes,’ because I know full well that it is annoying to every woman when Brian recites facts about patriarchy at them,” said Dr. Thompson. “I was not in the least bit surprised in the results, but I am glad we completed the study so we can lay this issue to rest and never have to listen to Brian again.”
Brian Jenkins, the central subject of the study, also had something to say despite not being reached out to for comment.
“I’ll admit, I was a bit surprised by the results,” said Jenkins, unprompted. “However, I do understand why women would feel that way. See, men are paid more than women for the same work, and often hold leadership positions,” which is correct but also very annoying coming from him. “As a result, male voices are disproportionately elevated in the workplace and that trickles into other social spheres.”
Interesting. Nothing Brian said was technically wrong, but it was still extremely, inexplicably annoying when he said it. Luckily, the results of the groundbreaking study can help to make sense of this phenomenon.
“The key conclusion we reached, which really illuminates the entire issue, is that while Brian’s words are not untrue, they are still extremely fucking annoying to hear him say,” explained Thompson. “Also, the women he says this shit to already know how they are disadvantaged by male privilege, and don’t need it explained to them by Brian’s self-satisfied-white-man-mouth.”
The result of this study could have a major impact on how men engage in conversations about privilege, and even help prevent others from developing self-satisfied-white-man-mouth.
“Yeah,” Dr. Thompson said. “But it probably won’t.”
It probably won’t!