It was recently discovered that all of those Barbies you made fuck in your youth now have teenage children, and those children now want a relationship with you.
This news comes as a real bummer to you, who thought there would be no consequences for making Ken lay naked on top of Zoo Doctor Barbie in 2001.
A source confirmed that every time you placed two Barbies in your Barbie canopy bed and rubbed them up and down, a Barbie baby was created, and now those Barbie babies are Barbie young adults who just want to know who you are for the sake of better understanding their own identity and familial history.
When the 47 offspring of your childhood Barbie exploits came crawling out of the woodwork, you immediately suspected they had impure motivations.
“When 17 year old Clarissa came to find me, I didn’t know what she wanted,” you said. “She was like, ‘I think you might know my parents, Ken and Astronaut Barbie?’ It rang a bell, but to be honest, I made Ken fuck so many Barbies in 2002, I didn’t even remember.”
You thought she was going to ask for money, but she just wanted to get lunch and talk.
“Uuuuuuuh, yeah. Maybe,” you said to the prospect of getting lunch with Clarissa.
Having lunch with Clarissa does sound terrible, but this development appears to be just the tip of the iceberg.
A source close to the story confirmed that you played God and made blonde and not blonde Barbie scissor each other, and now they have 16 year old twins who are actually really great kids, but still.
While you think you owe them nothing, your many illegitimate Barbie children feel differently.
“I had a lot of anger for a while,” said 18 year old Barbie boy Christopher. “I mean, I grew up in a plastic box in the basement; it was hard. But that’s all in the past now. I don’t even care why you left. I just want a relationship with you now. I’ll accept you for who you are, whoever that may be.”
Um, no thank you, Christopher.
When reached for comment, your mom said:
“I knew that’s what she was doing.”