Sorry I’m Late, I Woke Up to My Bangs Sticking Out Like a Headband Visor Again

Being late to work is no fun. It always gives me a great deal of anxiety that stays with me for the whole day. But you know what else gives me anxiety? Waking up with my bangs sticking out so straight they look like a visor. And unfortunately, this is not the first time this has happened!!

Don’t get me wrong, my job matters to me a great deal. I take pride in the hard work I do and my bosses respect me for that. Still, it’s a tough existence when you’re a gal who insists on having the same ‘do as Zooey Deschanel even though these bangs are a pain in the ass and every time I wake up I think I’m wearing a hat. Sure, I’m 30 minutes late to work everyday, but my bosses should’ve known what they were getting themselves into by hiring a girl with dense bangs!

Sometimes people say, “Why not just come into work with my bangs sticking out?” If you’re one of the people saying this, you clearly have never had bangs or probably even layers. What do you want me to do, hold them back with an elastic headband, forcing them to get stuck at even higher lengths dare that headband ever slip off? What do you want me to do, wear a hat indoors like a dumb fedora bitch? I’m getting worked up, but in the end a woman my age does not get bangs to hide them away like dust under a rug. If you expect me to look adorable, which you do because let’s face it looks matter, then know that I have a haircut that can easily be molded like Play-Doh in the dead of night while I’m tossing around unconscious. Each morning, I have no idea what I will wake up to. Consider that.

 

 

Look, I’ve had many other haircuts that were easily manageable and didn’t constantly get me fired. But I looked boring. I was playing it safe. Yes it allowed me to be at work on time, but it didn’t allow me joy. And if you’re really that upset about how long it takes me to style my bangs in the morning so they don’t look like a unicorn horn, be grateful that I already went through my pixie cut phase. That was the year that I got three ‘final warnings’ at work. So this is an improvement.

I know what you’re thinking. Why doesn’t she get up earlier? I’m sorry, but that just doesn’t work for me. Quirky girls with razor-sharp precise bangs such as mine need as much beauty rest as we can get. We also have to play our ukuleles and learn French for fun. Sorry, that’s just the life of a woman with bangs!

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