Some people like to get their buzz going with whiskey, others prefer vodka, and some wild women start the night with tequila—but you are different. You like to get drunk on $50 of Thai food, alone in your bed. You can’t show up to that party looking like an animal, even if it looks like you’re hiding a small family under your sweatshirt. Here are some fashion-forward ideas for a sexy night out on the town after you murdered an entire vat of pad Thai.
The “This Is Ironic” Sweatsuit
Sometimes you have to reach into your shed of secret treasures in order to make the ultimate splash. Allow us to introduce—the “I am a fashion visionary, probably” sweatsuit. This chic, uncle-like outfit will be an unparalleled conversation starter. You will be the Lady Gaga of your friend group—who would even think to wear such normy clothes to the club? Someone who just ate a family’s worth of rice noodles in bed, that’s who. Your pad Thai belly will be safely ensconced by several layers of fleece, leaving no one the wiser. Also, no pervy men will be able to touch your butt while you move through the crowded bathroom hallway—they won’t be able to tell where your butt is in this saggy number!
Edgy Trash Bag Dress
What is more chic than the color black? That’s right—nothing. Go to your kitchen, get under your sink, and grab a large trash bag. It will easily cover your sodium-riddled body. The industrial trash bags are your best bet to send a message that you are ready to bump and grind like a horned-up extra from The Matrix, except a little more bloated. This gorgeous garbage-core dress also doubles as a poncho in case you are hanging with ballers who are poppin’ bottles and making a real gross, wet mess all over everything, which could totally kill your “I just ate a pound of vegetarian duck” buzz.
Futuristic Fire Blanket Dress
You’ve heard the chatter about “leaving more to the imagination,” and this fire blanket accomplishes it perfectly. It literally covers your entire body (just in case you spontaneously combust)—which is great, because pad Thai is heavy as shit and will leave your stomach distended like an offensive lineman. It will also reflect light everywhere, causing people to be totally unsure of how oil-logged your greasy, stuffed body really is. A fire blanket dress is just the look to help you bag a French banker like Mary-Kate Olsen. She has been wearing fire blankets around New York for years and look where they got her—everywhere! Get your noodle on!
Any of these looks will sustain you through the night until you climb back into bed to finish your leftovers. Long live pad Thai!