How many times did you pee today? More than once? Unless you want to be known as an annoying urine factory, that shit needs to stop. You need to repent for your bodily functions with rigorous, repeated apologies. If another human could have feasibly spotted you entering a bathroom, you are an embarrassment. Below are eight different ways you can and should apologize for using the bathroom, any bathroom, at any time. So the next time you’re entering or waiting, to enter a restroom, offer these profuse apologies:
In Line: Say ‘Sorry’ Over and Over
You’re standing in line to use the restaurant bathroom. Rude! Don’t you know there are other people here with more legitimate bladder claims? Saying “sorry” alone simply isn’t enough. What if there was someone waiting before you but they just stepped out to get a tissue because their dad just died and they were crying? You need to think about other people. Say “sorry” at least three times before looking down at your feet in shame, offering additional sorries when people walk by.
When You’re at the Front of the Line: Shout it through the Door
You’re next in line to use the restaurant bathroom. You need to say sorry before that lady comes out and apologizes for using the bathroom! You were the rude person standing there pressuring her to finish up like some kind of crazed pee-obsessed freak. You even KNOCKED to see if anyone was in there while she was peeing! That was probably really scary for her!! Immediately respond with a, “No! It’s totally my fault! I’m so sorry!” Maybe people will think you’re desire to pee isn’t unusual—but probably not.
While You’re Peeing: Say it Quickly
You are inside of the restaurant bathroom, peeing your bladder out. When some princess tries to open the door without knocking, say, “I’m so sorry, I’m almost done!” She will likely say she’s sorry for not knocking so you will need to say, “It’s okay!” or, “No worries!” and hurry. the fuck. up. You shouldn’t occupy the bathroom when someone else could have been using it. Be extra sorry if you use the hand dryer. If you look in the mirror to fix your hair, donate it to Locks of Love because only helping a sick child can salvage your garbage existence.
As a Guest: Say it Without Saying it
You need to use the bathroom at someone’s house. Don’t even ask. Hold it until you can’t anymore and just leave. Better yet, just stay home. Nobody likes a pee-er.
On the Road: Say it in Motion
You need to halt the road trip for a pee stop. Throw out a, “Hey guys, I’m so sorry but I really gotta go” as you roll out the car door while the car is in motion. Be prepared for some major eye rolls. The car will need to be stopped for at least four minutes while they wait for you. They’re on a schedule, you asshole! Brunch waits for no one!!!
In a Relationship: Say it through Tears
Your significant other is occupying the bathroom and isn’t cool with you pissing in front of him. Say you’re sorry for even thinking about it and you understand if they’re done with you, as fluid rolls down your face that is slightly less shameful than the fluid you want to release from your bladder. You are gross.
So remember: The next time you pee, profess regret in every way possible. It’s nature’s true call!