So you’ve been with your man for a little while now, and things have gotten a bit stale in the bedroom. Looking to spice it up and ignite that old flame? Here are some hot tips that will get both of you going, and that do NOT involve urine of any kind. We apologize about last time. Our bad. We thought you two would have enjoyed it more.
Get a little kinky (but not at all pissy)!
50 Shades, anyone? Don’t worry, we’re not suggesting that you go all-out dungeon master, but if you wanna get really risqué, why not try blindfolding your lover with one of your scarves? That way, he won’t know what’s coming next—but whatever it is, it won’t be pee. Sorry about that time we told you to do that.
Talk dirty (but don’t get dirty).
Don’t be shy! Get talkative. Tell your boy toy all about what you’re gonna do to him—make out, put your mouth on his P, put his P in your V—whatever you think will turn him on. Just don’t put your P on his P. We now know this is not for everyone and we apologize for claiming otherwise.
Take a bath together (in water).
We’ve seen it in the movies! Now it’s time to try for yourselves. Run a nice hot bubble bath, light a few candles, and maybe sprinkle some rose petals around. Get in with your hunk and do what comes naturally. Plus, the hot water will disguise it if nature calls and you don’t wanna get out of the tub! But if you’re still not into any of that, we understand completely.
Try a new location (for sex, not for peeing)
Come on, ladies! There’s more than one room in your house! Take bedroom fun out of the bedroom by leading him to another spot when you wanna get freaky. We recommend the bathroom, because there are all kinds of different places to try new positions. Just remember that the bathroom is the only room where you pee. Do not, as we recommended last month, “take peeing out of the bathroom and into the bedroom.” Also, feel free to not incorporate pee into your sex in the bathroom, either.
Pee on him!!
Straight up, just pee on him!!!! You’re a wild sex goddess!!!!
Well there you have it: five scorching sex tips that don’t involve—oh goddammit. It happened again, didn’t it? Jesus, we’re sorry. Honestly. We don’t know how this keeps happening. We start off with good intentions, but fuck it all if we don’t keep ending up back here, with the peeing. Sorry. Do not pee on him. Ugh. We’re so sorry. We will do better next time.