Although President Obama stated that he has every intention of fulfilling the executive branch’s duty to nominate a replacement for the recently deceased Justice Scalia before the end of his presidency, Senate Republicans have signed a pact, refusing to vote for any nominee who does not support sweeping “Boys Will Be Boys” legislation.
“This is our litmus test,” says Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “We want a judge who will support replacing most if not all of our nation’s progressive, women- and minority-friendly policies with the vague idea that boys will indeed be boys. It’s right there in the Constitution.”
McConnell has not gone into details about what exactly these laws would consist of, insisting that “it’s really more of an attitude”, but he has already outlined a detailed plan for how Planned Parenthood’s funding would be reallocated to the nebulous project.
“People get so riled up about Planned Parenthood, which everyone knows is for girls, but what about our sons’ rights? They deserve to wrestle in the mud and hide their dads’ pornos under their beds. That’s the America I believe in. One of those boys might grow up to fight for our country one day. I say we gotta do right by him. Football!”
McConnell went on to say that when he goes fishing, he kills the fish even if he throws it back. “It’s called sportsmanship,” the senator told the press, while standing in a parking space he wanted for later.
Progressive politicians have unilaterally denounced the proposed legislation. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg called it “an abomination,” and Senator Elizabeth Warren has been observed repeatedly shoveling the dirt outside her office into large mounds and then violently kicking them apart again.
Republicans, while aware of this backlash, remain unfazed.
“Of course the girls are upset. But hey, bros before hoes, right?” says Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, speaking for the first time in three years. “Do you think I got where I am today by letting crying women guilt me into stuff? Heck no. Also, Kesha was lying.”
According to Ted Cruz, presidential candidate and fierce proponent of the law: “We need legislation in place to ensure that American males are raised from an early age to understand that their actions do not have consequences, and that disrespectful and even violent behavior is acceptable, as long as it is manly. Anyone want to play Ding-Dong Ditch?”
Whether or not the Republicans will be able to keep this up until the election remains to be seen, but if this legislation passes, one thing’s for certain: There will be a lot more salt on America’s slugs.