In a groundbreaking study, scientists at the University of Hartford have recently identified a sudden and dramatic increase in the amount of white individuals presenting with allergies to black people who are just trying to enjoy themselves in public.
“We haven’t seen such a sharp hike in this particular sensitivity since the late 1960s,” said Dr. Lincoln Kelly, the lead researcher on the study. “And black people don’t show any signs of stopping themselves from having a good time for the comfort of these individuals, so the numbers will only increase. At this rate, we’re concerned that we might be heading into a nationwide epidemic.”
While a single root cause has yet to be discovered, the scientists involved have pinpointed several environmental and lifestyle factors that may trigger an allergy of this kind to develop in a white person.
“This immuno-sensitivity to black people experiencing any amount of joy seems to be emerging primarily in communities of white individuals who have moved from very racially homogeneous areas to more diverse cities with the expectation their new neighborhoods will adapt to them, rather than vice versa,” explained Dr. Ysabel Perez-Hall. “But there are other shared indicators, including ownership of multiple pairs of TOMS shoes and a tendency to add unnecessary ingredients to one’s potato salad.”
With allergic reaction symptoms ranging from involuntarily shouting racial slurs to the intense urge to involve the authorities for no reason, white people across the country are nervous.
“I’ve already seen signs of the allergy in people close to me,” said Mary Covina, a Brooklyn resident. “The other day at the beach, I had to physically stop my friend Janet from flagging down the lifeguard to report some black people harmlessly drinking beer near us. But we were drinking too! I hope the scientists are working on some kind of vaccination.”
“I honestly think I may be developing this sensitivity,” added Logan Hillford, who lives in Oakland. “I recently berated a black family at the movies for laughing just a bit too loud. It was a comedy, and there were other white people laughing loudly, but I focused on them for some reason. I also recently bought a Subaru Outback which I heard is a sign the allergy might be deadly? We need a cure.”
But Dr. LeAndra Givens, the only black scientist who worked on the study, believes these so-called indicators are merely distractions from the actual root cause of the allergy.
“The common denominator is racism,” she said. “This isn’t a real allergy! It’s just racism.”
“Black people barbecuing or taking a nap or going to school are not threats,” she added. “These white people need to just be honest with themselves and admit that they don’t think black people deserve to be able to relax because they are racist.”
The study is ongoing.