After a comprehensive, double-blind study, scientists have confirmed that hovering your ass slightly over public toilet seats is the key to preventing most major illnesses.
“It was a questionable hypothesis,” said Dr. Astrid Weng, the lead researcher. “But the results are undeniable. Squatting just above the toilet seat, as opposed to sitting down normally, is effective at preventing many of the most common human ailments.”
Dr. Weng went on to explain the study.
“Participants were monitored over a five-year period,” said Dr. Weng. “During this time period, half of them were designated as ‘full sitters’ and half as ‘hoverers’. The hoverers showed a marked difference in both the frequency and severity of common STDs, eczema, influenza, chicken pox, scurvy, gingivitis, and even pink eye.”
“It appears that, contrary to thousands of other studies and more than 150 years of germ theory being universally accepted, the root cause of disease is actually microbes being inexplicably absorbed through your booty skin when your buttcheeks directly touch a public toilet seat,” Dr. Li added. “We are admittedly shocked.”
Hoverers across the nation are feeling vindicated.
“Everyone always told me that I was being too cautious,” said lifelong toilet seat contact avoider Janis Reed. “But I knew I was right all along. It’s like osmosis or something, your ass skin is just more vulnerable. This is very validating.”
“People would always say ‘what you’re doing doesn’t make any scientific sense’ or ‘you’re just getting pee droplets all over the toilet seat that you’re obviously not gonna clean up so the next person is gonna have to and that’s super shitty and inconsiderate of you’,” said Lindsey Price, another proud hoverer. “Needless to say, I’m feeling pretty empowered by the results of this experiment. Frankly, I’m happy, but I’m in disbelief.”
Dr. Weng insists that the conclusions are accurate.
“It goes against everything I’ve studied but it’s true,” she said. “Forget about washing your hands, eating right, or having safe sex: The real way to prevent illness is to just kind of squat a tiny bit above the toilet seat. It’s foolproof!”
Sources confirm that the lab’s next study will test the veracity of whether going out into the cold with wet hair makes you sick.