Scientists Don’t Recommend Derek’s Apartment

After an extensive three-month study, a group of environmental scientists has decided not to recommend Derek’s apartment for any activities, including sleeping, eating, or periodic visits of any kind. After conducting various studies in the living room, kitchen, bedroom, and bathroom, scientists conclude that Derek’s apartment is unfit for human habitation and categorically “completely fucking disgusting.”


The research team began in the kitchen area and found that 87% of the items in the fridge were expired and with even the freezer giving readings of “unnaturally smelly.” On an average day, the sink was found to be 118% full, with no functional cutlery to be found anywhere.


Scientists were impressed with the amount of Dr. Pepper consumed and left by Derek throughout the space. Usually 2-6 cans the soft drink could be found on flat surfaces around the kitchen, living area, and, even the bathroom. After recycling the cans, the team would return the next day to find more cans in similar spots. “We’ve found no evidence that he’s drinking any water at all,” remarked one of the researchers. “We haven’t found a single clean cup since we’ve gotten here. That’s very alarming.”


One of the researchers was forced to provide her own tissues in the bathroom throughout the study due to the lack of toilet paper and other basic resources. She concluded that the apartment could be going on weeks without a single roll of toilet paper. Dr. Ramona Frabatta added: “I have no hypothesis for how number two’s are being dealt with. I honestly don’t want to wager a guess.”


Scientist were baffled by the shape of the couch, deciding it fell somewhere on the spectrum between futon and love seat. Its origin was traced back to the sidewalk outside, after Derek “had seen no one taken it after a couple of days.” The cushions of couch also appeared to have come from a separate street find as they were in a bold floral print, which did not match the rest of the couch.


“Oddly, there are matching stains on both the couch and cushions, which indicates they were both applied recently.”


Derek appeared oddly proud of an unusual patch of growing brown stuff on his ceiling which he called “Ceiling Jesus.” When one of the scientists inquired if Derek had a landlord or exterminator take a look at the weird brown patch, Derek replied, “Haha no it’s just funny. I like it.”



The team is most puzzled by a picture of a humpback whale having sex with Brian from Family Guy hanging next to Derek’s television, but they haven’t had the resources to investigate the reasons for its existence.


Official advisement is to avoid Derek’s apartment, even if he says he has his co-worker’s HBOGo password.


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