Scientists Develop Nail Polish to Detect the Presence of CeeLo

CeeLo Green Rape Twitter

A group of college students have developed a controversial new nail polish designed to detect the presence of popular singer, CeeLo Green. The nail polish aims to detect the occurrence of CeeLo – whether in person, on television, or on social media – and empower women to take control of their own safety.

 

“CeeLo has been responsible for pervasive sexual assault, as well as rambling, misinformed rants on Twitter,” says student researcher Kevin Barnard. “Our goal is to provide a simple tool to detect CeeLo, and hopefully avoid the possibility of CeeLo in the future.”

 

Many detractors claim that the polish sets a dangerous precedent, where women are held responsible for preventing CeeLo themselves: “It’s just not the way to go about it,” says student Carrie Wilkinson. “It implies that it’s my fault that CeeLo exists and I know that isn’t true.”

 

Researchers disagree: “While this may seem to excuse CeeLo,” says Bernard, “we simply feel that the nail polish empowers women to avoid CeeLo and the pervasive culture surrounding him – from his shitty television, to his shitty cat, to everything else he does that is completely shitty.”

 

 

Bernard also notes that in addition to the nail polish and related products, the past several years of CeeLo has already made a huge impact on the public discussion around CeeLo. “We hope that soon enough, there will be no need for nail polish – because CeeLo will no longer exist.”

 

While supporters credit the new polish for the cancellation of CeeLo’s reality show, The Good Life, the TBS network insists the show was canceled on ratings alone. Regardless of the cause, Wilkinson says she and her friends are glad that “there is just one less show out there promoting CeeLo.”

 

“I don’t agree with this nail polish,” says Wilkinson, “But one thing we can all agree on: At the bar, on campus or in your own home, there is no excuse for CeeLo. Ever.”

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