Following a historic summit, the roommates living at 428 Main St, Unit 3B have agreed to a comprehensive list of sanctions to be imposed onto the resident shitty cat after a devastating piss explosion earlier this week.
“We can no longer blindly tolerate this cat’s blatant disregard for the decorum of this apartment,” said roommate Daniel O’Connor. “Therefore, we have no other choice but to impose these restrictions on Mr. Muffin.”
The roommates went on to discuss the specifics behind the sanctions, which include restricted availability of catnip, relocated litter access, and a complete embargo on Jenny’s room.
“Mr. Muffin will no longer be allowed out of his owner’s room while guests are present, due to his vested interest in butchering any stranger who crosses his path and his proliferate dander,” said Keith Wu, another roommate. “He will also be held accountable for his frequent middle-of-the-night barfs, insofar that his owner will be the sole household member responsible for cleaning them up.”
Kaitlyn Harris, owner and historical defender of the shitty cat in question, expressed her regret over the outcome of Mr. Muffin’s intolerable behavior.
“While I agree that Mr. Muffin can be trying at times, I don’t think he’s deserving of such harsh punishments. He may be a shitty cat, but he’s my shitty cat.”
“Well, he’s technically my ex’s, but I’m keeping him out of spite,” she added.
But the other roommates remained firm in their stance.
“While we were willing to work out a deal initially, Mr. Muffin refused to stop knocking the candles off the coffee table,” stated Jenny Gonzales. “His behavior is no longer conducive to our democratic household, and so we unfortunately have no choice but to impose these penalties.”
“Plus, I’m tired of him shitting on my comforter,” she added.
