REPORT: Slapping Vagina With Dick Isn’t Foreplay

A recent study at the University of Maui has confirmed the contentious theory that slapping your vagina with his dick is, in fact, not foreplay.

 

“We worked for a little over two years, testing and retesting,” said Dr. Finn Geeley. “Our results were clear: Any man slapping his dick on a woman’s vagina is absolutely not engaging in any kind of foreplay.”

 

Dr. Geely went on to explain the constraints under which something can be called foreplay.

 

“From our studies, we’ve concluded that for an action to be considered foreplay, it must trigger arousal in at least half of the women studied,” said Dr. Geeley. “The extensive tests we ran showed that smacking a dick up against their vagina is only arousing to approximately two percent of women, the majority of whom were just a little bit drunk and down for whatever.”

 

“I can’t believe slapping my dick isn’t technically considered foreplay anymore,” said Kansas City resident Blake Buterman. “It’s been my go-to all of these years, I saw it in a porn once and the woman seemed to really enjoy it.”

 

“It’s been some really rough news for me,” added Rich Corrigan of Phoenix. “Whacking my dong up against my lady’s junk was pretty much my power move. What am I supposed to do now? I seriously have no idea.”

 

 

And Dr. Geeley has expressed that this is only the first in a series of studies her lab will conduct regarding foreplay and its relation to human sexuality.

 

“Our next study hopes to tackle the age-old question of whether sticking a tongue into a woman’s ear is hot or not,” Dr. Geeley stated in an email.

 

“Preliminary research shows that, no, it’s not, it’s gross,” she added.

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