Why do people with medical issues get to have all the fun? They don’t! Pretending to have the following disorders will get you all the attention and excuses without the life-long hardship, embarrassment, or medical bills. Check out these totally legitimate disorders that will have you saying, “I don’t feel sick, but I sure do feel special!”
Anxiety can cause muscular tension, restlessness, fatigue, and problems with concentration. You can also use the phrase, “I am having a panic attack” to get out of almost every situation such as work, or life. Anxiety is a particularly appropriate disorder to pretend to have if you went to art school or don’t want to support yourself financially.
Also known as “gluten intolerance,” celiac is an autoimmune disorder of the small intestine, which can cause anemia. It is an excellent excuse to buy food that is more expensive than other food and get extra attention from waiters as you go through every item on the menu to make sure it meets your dietary needs. You’re important and interesting!
OCD is characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce uneasiness, apprehension, or fear. You can invoke OCD any time something doesn’t happen exactly the way you wanted it, such as when your intern labeled binders with the wrong font, or when your husband bought spaghetti instead of capellini. “There is a difference, capellini is thinner!” you’ll scream, followed by, “Sorry, I’m just so OCD.” The fun part is you’re not sorry!
Insomnia is a symptom of several disorders characterized by a persistent difficulty falling asleep. Insomnia can also be used when you over-sleep for anything or look tired even though you had a full night’s sleep. “I’m sorry I’m four hours late and wearing stilettos and a mini dress to brunch. I have insomnia,” you’ll explain, and all issues of alcohol dependency will be dissolved.
Dyslexia is characterized by a difficulty with fluent reading and accurate comprehension despite normal or above-average intelligence. Dyslexia can also be used if you hate to read because it’s boring. “I have dyslexia” is a much better explanation for why you haven’t read The Goldfinch than “Dance Moms has been really good this year.”