Oh, hey! So we’ve been dating now for like a few weeks off and on, so I think it’s time for us to have the big talk. You know, the one where I ask you a hypothetical to gauge how much you actually love me by asking if you’d still like me if I was a large bird instead of a woman? This is gonna be fun and there’s no way it ends badly, so here goes!
Would you still date me if I was me, but a hawk?
- Yes, of course. I love you no matter what.
- No, I am shallow and closed-minded.
Would you date me if I was a large, brown sky predator who chomps on lizards, but still had my adorable personality?
- Yes, if anything, I would love you even more.
- No, I can only accept you one way because the patriarchy has ruined my ability to accept women for who they are, or who they could be in wildly hypothetical scenarios.
Would you date me if I was exactly the same but had feathers instead of hair and hollow bones instead of sexy flesh legs?
- I am a good person that doesn’t judge people on the way they look or the amount of human legs they have. So yes.
- No, I don’t deserve you in any form.
Would you still date me if our mating process was that we fly to a certain height in the sky and you dive at me a few times until you latch on, and then we go plummeting toward earth together in perfect, natural sexual harmony?
- Anything to be with you because I am devoted and loving!
- No, I am high maintenance and don’t want to have to improve myself (by becoming a hawk) just to love you. I am a bad dumb idiot who will never know what love truly means.
What if I was me, but like a little bit chubbier?
- Ummmm…wait are you still a hawk in this scenario? Like a fat hawk?
Congratulations! I was pretending this was a cute little flirt game, but it was actually the most important test of our relationship and you just passed! Since you’re capable of loving me no matter how hawky I get, I can now feel safe with you. It is time we marry and mate. But we can mate on the ground LOL because I am still human. I’m not really a hawk!
Wow, it’s amazing that we have gotten so far into this relationship without me realizing that you are an actual monster. If you couldn’t love me through thick and thin, what have we even been doing for the last 20ish days off and on? I guess I’m just looking for someone that loves me no matter what, even if I’m a girl or a hawk or a bunch of spiders that found each other and formed a colony. I’m me no matter what, and I am beautiful. Time for me to find someone who says, “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird,” and really means it!