You never really know what you’re going to get at a bachelorette party. The melding of social groups often reveals a side of the bride you’ve never known. As a general rule of thumb, there are two kinds of bachelorette parties: those where you can speak candidly about their choking fantasy during sex, and those where you can’t. Which one are you at right now?
You’re on a swan float in the share house pool, when Taylor asks you to pose for a photo. You get into position: You choke the swan. How does the group react?
A) With a chorus of scandalized, high-pitched squeals.
B) A smatter of laughter — it’s understood now that you are the “crazy one.”
C) No reaction. This isn’t even the tip of the iceberg. Call these girls when you’re full-on pegging the swan float.
The police knock on the door and tell you there’s been a noise complaint. Thinking they’re strippers, you shriek, “CHOKE ME, DADDY!” Turns out they’re actual cops. The bride…
A) Hisses at you to be quiet — you could make things a lot worse.
B) Laughs uncomfortably, then explain to her other friends that she invited you to keep things interesting.
C) Also thinks the cops are strippers, rips one of their shirts open, then explains she’s had one-thousand Fireball shots as she’s being escorted into the patrol car.
You and Lauren are in the kitchen making mimosas for the group. You casually mention your preference for minimal oxygen flow during sex because it intensifies your orgasm. What does Lauren do next?
A) Bellows, “Who wants mimosas!?” to the group and avoids making eye contact with you for the rest of the weekend.
B) Whispers that she read about that in 50 Shades of Grey.
C) Takes a long drag of a cigarette that came out of absolutely nowhere, flick ash into the mimosa pitcher and growl, “Honey, I haven’t breathed during intercourse since 2004.”
Mostly A’s: Best stick to complimenting the bride’s nail color and exchanging podcast recommendations!
Mostly B’s: Most of these ladies probably have Bruno Mars on their sex playlists, but hey, at least they have sex playlists. Blowjob jokes are still probably fair game.
Mostly C’s: You’ve hit the horndog jackpot! Do your nastiest, because it’s that kind of bachelorette. You’ve officially found your coven of kinky bitches who won’t shut the fuck up about weird sex stuff. Sedona, Arizona won’t know what hit it!