Is he worried about your cholesterol? Did he bring up your weight again? Does he constantly put a reassuring hand on your arm? This person could be concern-trolling you (feigning concern for your well-being, when they are actually just criticizing you). He could also be your doctor. Or both? Let’s break it down.
1. Where are you right now?
a. I’m in my doctor’s office.
b. Someplace that definitely isn’t a doctor’s office but might be the home of a mean aunt or a sports bar.
c. Sitting in front of my laptop, trying to participate in intelligent discourse on the internet.
2. Is this person wearing a lab coat?
a. Yes, she is.
b. No. This person is wearing normal pedestrian clothes.
c. I’m unsure because I’m talking to them online.
3. Has this person taken any of your blood?
a. Yes. He wants to do a full work-up since it’s been a few years since my last physical.
b. Not yet, but you could say she is “out for blood”. She says I should “take better care of myself”, but the tone is very condescending.
c. No, but they won’t stop tweeting what they call “the correct definition of obesity” at me.
4. When you mention your heart palpitations, what did they say?
a. “Let me take a listen.”
b. “I’m so glad you’re happy—and that’s all I want for you—but don’t you think maybe you jumped into that relationship a little fast? You only just broke up with your ex. Isn’t that what’s really going on here?”
c. “I agree with feminism on principle but this is a result of the extreme outrage and anger feminists use to make their point. It makes us all look bad.”
5. Have you been given a diagnosis?
a. They told me a nurse would contact me with my lab results.
b. Well, he said he understood that I was hurt but then he said that my emotions were making me act “irrational.”
c. Yes—that I’m too hysterical.
If you got…
Mostly As: Well, you’re definitely at the doctor. While you’re there, make sure to check that freckle on your shoulder—who knows when that thing showed up!
Mostly Bs: Concern troll! Burn them! Light the torches and chase this person straight out of your life. Or at least ignore everything they say.
Mostly Cs: Oh boy. Could be both but is most likely concern trolling. You’re lost in the vast wasteland of the internet, where kindness is extremely rare. The person concern-trolling you right now could be a doctor, but they’re probably a preternaturally shit-mouthed tween or a renowned male author. Godspeed.