Let’s be honest: you don’t have the talent, the looks, or the fan base to pull off a secret album leak like The Immortal Queen Beyoncé Herself. But you can achieve a fleeting moment of near-fame by using the Beyoncé Mystiqué to pull off your own secret leaks of a different kind:
Drop a Secret Deuce in the Office
Your co-workers won’t be sure what just happened when you shart all over yourself in your four o’clock meeting. Make sure you don’t ruin the Mystiqué by giving any answers; just shrug and explain, “Great art just happens, unannounced.” Be sure to give yourself a high five for the media attention you just scored, because this must be how Beyoncé feels everyday!
Let Your Tampon Leak in the Club
All it takes is a little tampon leak to make people say, “Who’s that girl?” For added effect, bend over and smear the area so it’s as noticeable as possible. Get your friend to “spontaneously” record 17 different videos of your period leak, and you’ll become a YouTube star for at least a few days. Before you know it, you’ll be line-hopping at disreputable clubs!
Use Your Mucous as a Natural Leak
Let the snot run down your face and people will whisper…about you. You’ll almost feel like Beyoncé as you get stares at the mall, the grocery store, and everywhere else you go. Remember, all press is good press when you’re aiming for fleeting Internet attention!
Let your Emotions Leak in a Public Forum
Everyone loves a sob story, and what better way to make a comeback than to weep to the largest possible audience you can find? Try church, a company meeting, or a birthday party. Your tears will tell the masses that you do feel pain underneath all the carefree pooping.
Sure, Beyoncé secured a loyal fan base by eschewing invasive media attention, but let’s be honest – you’re never going to be a goddess like her. So open up your leaking orifices and start “spontaneously” drawing a crowd!