Now that Pope Francis has concluded his visit to the United States, reports are beginning to surface about various public figures who took a meeting with His Holiness, including Kentucky country clerk and anti-gay activist Kim Davis and also sort of everyone.
“The Pope sends his prayers and gratitude to the lovely people in America, many thousands of whom he had the pleasure of meeting with one-on-one,” said Vatican spokesman Federico Lombardi. “It is our policy to take every meeting request we receive. We are glad to have met so, so many people, even the lady from the store in Kentucky.”
Lombardi added, “In the Vatican, the Wi-Fi is not so good. But in the United States, it is very fast. So every email we get, we say yes. It was a wonderful visit for the Pope.”
The people the Pope met with during his visit include Jeff Gordon, Candace Cameron Bure, Coolio, Ashanti, Tila Tequila, Andy Cohen, Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan, Sway, half of Congress, most state senators, your mom (she’s thrilled!), the guy from your gym, the teenager who works at your deli, your neighbors, your neighbors’ dogs, your Aunt Kathy who goes on lots of trips with her church (also thrilled!), and anyone with a Walgreens rewards card.
“He is happy but very tired,” laughs Lombardi.
Last Tuesday, Davis’ attorney claimed that she was snuck into the Vatican Embassy and secured a meeting with the head of the Catholic Church, wherein he gave her blessed rosaries and told her to stay strong. Davis was profoundly moved by the visit, saying, “I was crying. I had tears coming out of my eyes.” Lombardi confirmed the meeting, saying, “Most of the thousands upon thousands of people we met with also cried. So many tissues!”
Despite the renewed commitment Davis and her camp seem to have taken from the Pope’s statements, sources warn against using this as evidence that he supports her position, since the Pope met with pretty much everyone. “He was pleased to meet that lady from the country store in Kentucky,” Lombardi repeated, causing some reporters to think that perhaps they thought she ran a store that sold quilts and other sundries. “We met with many wonderful people with many unusual names we have never heard before but who are said to be famous, including a comedian man with many puppets, which the Pope did like very much.” Lombardi adds. “But the Pope forgets many of the jokes, because we did meet with many, many thousands of people.”
Davis was profoundly moved by the not-rare visit, saying, “I’m just a nobody, so it was really humbling to think he would want to meet or know me.” The Vatican confirmed her report, saying, “We were delighted to meet and know so many nobodies.”