We’ve all been there: You haven’t had a like or a comment in days. No new followers in weeks. It’s time to mine Pinterest for a recipe that’ll give you the kind of photogenic yet completely inedible content that catches eyes and captures the hearts of Pinterest. Copy one of these recipes to make a beautiful dish that you will taste, spit out, then immediately throw away:
Chocolate-Covered Chocolate Cake Pops
You had them at your sister’s baby shower and they were awesome (you were incredibly wasted). Either way, they looked good in the photos. Once you fish them out of the flowerpot you photographed them in, make your niece eat them; she’s still got all her baby teeth, and an unsophisticated palette that equates sugar with goodness.
The real Pinterest gold happens before you even turn on the stove! Tuck some decorative plastic craft-store greenery around some dry pasta and the one photogenic tomato from the bodega, slap on the Lo-Fi filter, order lo mein, and give your followers the impression that you eat food that’s just colors.
Store-Bought Cupcake Crusted with Decorations
Cake decorations taste like crunchy sugared preservatives, but those little silver-dusted sugar balls are where all your followers are hiding. You don’t even need to buy fondant – Play-Doh works just fine. Put your masterpiece in your lightbox (also known as your bathroom sink with a desk lamp over it) but be sure you don’t accidentally eat your now-adorable tiny cake; that many chemical ingredients will make you stop menstruating for a full year. Snap the pic, throw on a filter, and give it to your least favorite coworker, who is also garbage.
Buffalo Chicken Meatballs and Blue Cheese Dip
The beautiful red color of undiluted Frank’s Red Hot really pops in the Rise filter, but you’re going to have to go out in the middle of the night and bury this recipe in a shallow grave next to your other mistakes. Use mayonnaise or whatever for the “dip” because you’re not really going to eat more than an exploratory bite of this.
Don’t worry. You’ll get the followers you deserve if you follow these dark rituals. You will drown in a sea of likes. Coyotes will destroy all the evidence of what really happened. Probably.