OKAY FINE. I’m Attracted to That Claymation Dentist Elf – WHO AM I HURTING?

When the topic of the 1964 stop-motion classic, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, comes up in conversation (because I bring it up), people look at me suspiciously when I refer to the elf dentist as “a little bit dreamy.” Well, I’m finally here to admit that, yes, you were all correct: I am very much attracted to him. What’s wrong with that?! I am not hurting anyone by doing this!


Sure, it’s a little weird to be attracted to a tiny figure that sings about being a misfit in an almost duck-like voice. But look at that swoopy blond hair? It’s more than any mortal man could possess. He’s got swagger; he’s got skills in dentistry. IS IT SO WRONG THAT I WOULD FUCK HIM IF WE WERE BOTH THE SAME SIZE?


Oh, his name is Herbie. I know it’s dorky and he’s clay, but like it’s also sort of hot how he’s really leaning into all that. I’m just gonna put it out there: Nerds are hot. MY ATTRACTION TO HIM HURTS ZERO PEOPLE SO LAY OFF, OKAY??



Unlike most of the men and other small male figures in my life, I just think there’s something alluring about a guy who blazes his own trail. So what if it’s more about being a dentist and not wanting to make toys? That still takes guts. And he befriended the Abominable Snowman. Some ladies might like more of a Yukon Cornelius type who’d chop off the abominable snowman’s leg. Or maybe they’re strictly into living breathing men. Whatever. THIS IS WHAT I’M INTO AND IT WON’T KILL YOU TO JUST FUCKING ACCEPT IT!


Herbie doesn’t like to make toys. He’s a dentist. But I hope he’d like to put down his drill and make love to me, just once. There, I said it. I’d do that little bad boy. I know that’s technically not possible, but this is my fantasy and I’M ALLOWED TO HAVE IT.


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