Officials from FIFA and the New York City mayoral office announced yesterday that they’d be taking the US women’s national team out to ice cream on Friday for “doing so great in their big game.” The team, which officials repeatedly referred to as “the US Girls Soccer League,” won the 2015 Women’s World Cup Sunday evening in a stunning 5-2 victory over Japan.
After a push led by Manhattan Borough President Gale A. Brewer, Mayor Bill de Blasio agreed to take the team this Friday, and to let them have “as many toppings as they want.”
“We are very proud of you girls,” said Mayor de Blasio in a recorded statement he delivered over his shoulder while driving. “You were great out there. Just great. Now, who wants ice cream?”
The match saw many awe-inspiring moments, most notably Golden Ball-winning midfielder Carli Lloyd’s goal from midfield, a hat trick described by ESPN as “audacious and unprecedented,” while FIFA officials note, “She’s sure got some legs on her!”
While Lloyd scored three goals in the first 16 minutes, the third-fastest hat trick in Women’s World Cup history, many FIFA officials say they missed the first quarter since they were “coming from work” but that “Meg[an Rapinoe]’s dad said he taped it” and planned to watch it sometime soon.
“I know it sounds silly, but I almost felt like I was watching the World Cup,” says Women’s World Cup attendee George Domineau. “We were all jumping up and down, like, What’s wrong with us? But it was one of those little moments where everybody wins.”
The ice cream party will take place 11 AM Friday in Lower Manhattan. The players will be allowed three scoops of any flavor of their choosing and as many toppings as they want, and seconds will only be offered once everyone gets some. “We don’t want a repeat of 1999,” says FIFA president Sepp Blatter with a smirk. “They almost ran out!”
“Sports can teach young ladies lots of things; namely, the value of teamwork, persistence, and being prepared,” says one high-ranking FIFA official. “These are lessons they can take with them no matter where they end up.”
Despite planning the ice cream party, which the mayoral office assures will be “at the nicer diner,” some publications are starting to draw attention to the massive pay gap between the men’s and women’s national teams. When confronted with this pay disparity, Blatter responds, “Did we mention they can have as many toppings as they want?”
Officials warned that anyone who misbehaved would have to wait in the car, giving a stern look to Hope Solo.