Recently I’ve been trying a new diet called the keto diet, a high-fat, low-carb regimen that puts your body in “ketosis,” which can help you lose weight fast. At first I found it incredibly difficult. All I wanted to do was sit around and eat a loaf of bread, but I can assure you the struggle was worth it. Now that I’m finally in ketosis, I can see that all the murders I committed prior to this diet were just the carbs talking. I had no idea!
I began my keto diet last summer and spent the first week eating only eggs and bacon. Eggs and bacon are both very high in fat but contain almost zero carbs, so they’re perfect for encouraging your body to enter ketosis. Apart from that, however, the best side effect of cutting out carbs is that I became able to see the true reason I murdered all those people: the carbs.
It was the carbs told me to do it, and I listened because I’m addicted to breadsticks and will do anything they say. Well, not just breadsticks. I’ll also listen to pizza, naan, spaghetti, hotdog buns or anything else that could potentially knock me out after eating it.
The amount of people I’ve killed after blacking out from one of my “carb comas” is truly unbelievable. The actual number could be anywhere in the tens or even the hundreds, but no one knows for sure because no one has caught me. When I eat carbs, I turn into a blood-hungry criminal mastermind, and only entering a state of ketosis has allowed me to get perspective on this and blame the carbs that caused me to do commit all these murders. Now that my head is clear (that “brain fog” just totally goes away in ketosis!), it all makes so much more sense how it happened.
Now, my tongue is fuzzy from being so deep in ketosis, and I’m able to see that running over that man with my car was nothing more than an impulsive decision exacerbated by my carb-filled diet. I didn’t really want to hit him. The sugary, cereal-laden monster living inside me did. Now, not-murdering isn’t just a diet for me, it’s a lifestyle.
So all I have to say now is thank God for my new low-carb diet. I don’t know what I would be doing if I weren’t eating this hard-boiled egg right now, but it’s probably murdering.
Now that I’ve spent a full year in ketosis, I have more clarity than ever on why I’ve killed so many unsuspecting strangers. I’ve also lost about 30 pounds and have way more energy, but use it to commit fewer murders rather than more murders. It’s been a rocky road for me on the ketosis diet, but it’s been worth it for sure. All my clothes are looser and not covered in blood!