I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I just have to get this out: I’d be a much better mommy to your doggy than you are.
There’s no question I’d be the best mommy to your wittle doggie if he were my baby. It’s not that you’re such a bad doggie mommy; it’s just that if he were mine, I’d be such a goooood mommy to him. Such a goooood mommyyyy.
You have a day job? If he were my sweet boy, we’d snuggle wuggle cuddle all day! Sowwy, but I’d be a better mommy than you. No offense.
A good doggie deserves a super special mommy for his special wittle paws. You buy generic dog food? How’s da wittle baby gonna gwow a glossy coat wif dat dirty old food? I’d cook him a big ole turkey, bigger than his wittle body. I’d bake him little doggie treaties and teach him cute little trickies. I’d be such a proud momma. Unlike you.
I’m not trying to insult you here. I just want what’s best for da wittle bitty fuzzy wuzzy googoo gaga doggie woggie.
Why are you putting da wittle baby in the crate all night?! I’d kiss his widdle face and hold him all night long! I’d squish him and smash his face in with love! I have so much love to give! I’d be a better mummy wummy than you. It’s just a fact.
You don’t have a dog walker? I’d take him on wittle walks and make sure he did a poopoo, wouldn’t I? I’d pick up his wittle poo poos and giggle the whole time at his dumb little poopoohead face. Do you? I doubt it.
You don’t own a Frisbee? I’d throw Frisbees for him to catch all day and give him tennis balls to chew up to little bits. And the bones! My God the bones we’d have. Ohhh, I’d be so good to him. Unlike you.
If only my apartment allowed doggies.
