We all hate that “time of the month” where we waste a week worrying about bleeding through our underwear. But I may have encountered something worse: I think my whole period just came out at once.
Early this morning when I got out of bed, I suddenly felt a rush like Niagara Falls in my pajama pants. It was everywhere. It cascaded out of my body, down and out of my pant legs, and splashed into the room, coating the entire room in two full inches of period blood. Confused and shaken, I waded out of my room. What just happened?
I’m not trying to be alarmist. I’ve had some weird things happen in and around my vagina before. There was the “Double Tampon Incident” in which I went to pull my tampon out and found a second tampon that I’d forgotten about hiding way up in there. There was also the Pinterest-inspired vajazzling attempt that eventually caused Andrew to leave me. Yet none of these crises prepared me, or my friends and family, for my entire period coming out at once. Because that’s totally what just happened, right?
Right? Someone please check on this.
I texted my friend Rebecca, requesting that she Google the phrase “whole period at once,” as I had left my computer in my red-sea room and it was currently inoperable. A puddle of menstrual blood began slowly seeping out from under the door. There was only one thing to do: put on a pair of my roommate’s sweatpants, go to Starbucks, and buy a S’mores Frappuccino and cry. I earned it!
Unfortunately, none of these steps helped me to identify if this was in fact a “speed period,” or just the warning wave before a uterine lining tsunami. Does anyone know what just happened to me? Anyone?
I’m now sitting on the couch, a little lightheaded from the blood loss, atop an old beach towel in case something happens again. Maybe I’ll venture into my room and throw tampons at the spill to soak everything up.
Luckily, there is a silver lining… My period’s over!