My Ex-Boyfriend Got Engaged on a Sleigh Ride and I’m Totally Fine

The holidays are the perfect time to check in with people and let them know how you’re doing. I am happy to report that 2015 was a year of great change, growth, and excitement for me. However, Dan, my boyfriend and soulmate of three years, and I decided to consciously uncouple on Memorial Day this past spring. Relationships end for many reasons. For us, it was due to Dan not giving a shit about how fucking good to him I was. With help from myself, Dan was able to come to the realization that he wasn’t born with any of the traits of a person with common human decency and that he would never, ever find someone better than me. It was with this great gentleness and love that we decided to fly out into the world by ourselves, like the beautifully damaged butterflies that we are.

 

While I have found myself dedicating my time to opening my chakras in dance yoga and experimenting with innovative recipes for mac n’ cheese, Dan has apparently been focusing on more personal pursuits. Upon perusal of his Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, Twitter, Tumblr, and SnapChat stories, it is with great pleasure I announce that Dan got engaged to his new girlfriend of six months and four days upon a sleigh ride through the park. Despite this surprise, I am totally fine.

 

I cannot emphasize this enough: I. Am. Totally. Fine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dan has always been a fan of the outdoors—during our three years together, Dan would often go outside and “get some air” or “blow off some steam by taking a walk”—so it was no surprise to me to see him make this long-lasting commitment in a wintry wood. His new bride will surely cherish these rustic moments as much as I did. (She seems nice.)

 

A sleigh ride engagement is something that every girl who has watched Frozen with the kids they nanny dreams of, but again, I am fine. Just because the man who once asked me, “How is it possible that we found each other?” was now smiling back at me from my computer screen posing in matching cream-colored cable-knit sweaters with a petite brunette woman wearing his grandmother’s ring—the grandmother I met, who told me I’d wear her ring one day, whose funeral I sang at—doesn’t mean I’m not fine. Relationships end, people change, and it’s legal to get engaged on a sleigh ride. I am fine.

 

Many have reached out to me with great concern about my wellbeing this time of romantic evolution. I send my great thanks to those who have called, texted, G-Chatted, Facebook chatted, SnapChatted, and even chatted in person with their mouths. Friends, I say this quite earnestly—I am totally fine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dan would be a wonderful match for a woman with the patience of a saint and the libido of a saint. He was a wonderful partner for three years and I never once fantasized about getting engaged to him under Christmas lights while dashing through the snow of my favorite park in the city, while the gentle pitter-patter of horse hooves trudged through the fresh-fallen blanket of white. Never. Not once. I never thought about the logistics of slipping an ethically sourced diamond engagement ring on my finger while wearing scarlet red wool mittens. Never. Not once. It never crossed my mind to know the perfect no-bleed lipstick to wear for drinking my semi-sweet Columbian hot cocoa while we warmed ourselves by a fire in a room filled with our closest family and friends. Never. Not once.

 

I’m happy for him to move on. I’m happy for her to have him. I’m happy for the sleigh to be a sleigh. Just because his penis, which once was in me, was now resting peacefully in his happy lap next to a physician’s assistant named Bethany while they both sat on a sleigh doesn’t mean I can’t be a sleigh.

 

I am totally sleigh. I mean, fine. I am fine.

 

I wish Dan and his probably stupid new finance the very best in a future that must feel very uncertain for them, given Dan’s past. As for me, I am doing great, and even booked a solo sleigh ride of my own just to celebrate me.

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