After countless years of disrespectful clothing choices worn by her ungrateful daughter, Jillian, 62-year-old Norma Spitz was fraudulently laid to rest at Rodeph Shalom Cemetery last Sunday morning. Unbeknownst to her daughter, Norma faked her own death to see if, just once, she would put on something decent to her own mother’s funeral.
“Wish I could say the joke’s on her, but did you see the shmata she had on?” said Norma, who appeared from the bushes to publicly berate her daughter just as she was placing earth on the grave.
“It was this sarong I got at Goodwill and my favorite hoodie,” explained Norma’s 28-year-old daughter, Jillian. “It was all clean. I don’t know why she had to stage her own death just to prove a point.”
Norma cited Jillian’s “self-centered millennialism” and “Does she even love her own mother?” as the reason why.
Norma reminisced over the numerous Marshall’s Markdown Days she and Jillian spent together, hunting for the perfect pair of “perfectly nice” half-priced culottes. “I guess I should’ve taken Daniel shopping with me instead. At least he wore a tie to his own mother’s fake funeral.”
Guests in attendance seemed surprised by Norma’s sudden passing, then unsurprised by her dramatic entrance.
“I can’t say I blame her,” says Norma’s ex-sister-in-law, Deb. “My daughter wears these thick glasses that hide her pretty eyes and I’d do anything to make her stop.”