You’re all set on sexytimes music, you’ve had your “makeover montage” playlist perfected for years, and you can set the mood for a birthday party with no sweat. But when it comes to the most stressful moments in your life, what are you supposed to listen to? Don’t panic! (yet)- we’ve got your panic attacks covered.
Upper Middle Class Midlife Crisis
“Mo Money, Mo Problems,” right, girl? Sometimes having it all just isn’t enough! Check your privilege by reminding yourself that everyone else’s life sucks so much harder than yours; “Allentown” by Billy Joel or “Hard Knock Life” (both Annie and Jay-Z versions are both acceptable!) should dry your tears in no time.
Rumored Grey’s Anatomy Cancellation Meltdown
You sobbed when [SPOILER] died, you lost it when [SPOILER] and [SPOILER] split up, and now you’re supposed to cope with the idea of the show being cancelled?! Dim the lights and grab some tissues, cause you’re about to spend the next 12 hours listening to the sappiest shit Grey’s has to offer. The Postal Service, Snow Patrol, Ingrid Michaelson, raccoon eyes from crying all of your feelings out? Check, check, check, most definitely check! This will have you feeling more relieved than the time [SPOILER] [SPOILER]ed [SPOILER]’s [SPOILER].
Halter Top Bridesmaid Dress Freak Out
When you agreed to be in Sheila’s wedding, you didn’t know you were agreeing to wear a shoulder-bearing dress in December, right in the middle of eating season. That bitch. Hitting the gym for the next two weeks isn’t going to magically tone your flabby arms—just accept defeat and embrace your shameful body. TLC’s “Unpretty,” Saving Jane’s “Girl Next Door,” or pretty much anything by Taylor Swift should make you feel considerably inadequate—you’re welcome!
Someone asked, “How are you?”
This seemingly innocuous question will eat at you all day until you are forced to ask yourself, “How am I?!” Indulge your inner philosopher with introspective songs like Counting Crows’ “Colorblind” and Meredith Brooks’ “Bitch.” Still feeling “lost and confused, twisted and used?” Try listening to French female singers like Carla Bruni—you know what, really any French song will do.
Happy panicking!
