Easter Sunday may be just three weeks away, but that’s three weeks too long for this local mom: While her friends and colleagues continue to deprive themselves of sugar, booze and Facebook for the full 40 days of Lent, your mom just couldn’t make it to April 1 without her fix of her husband—your dad’s—perfect wang.
“I’m an addict, I guess!” your mom confesses, her eyes wild with insatiable thirst for a mere taste of your dad’s sweet, sweet dong.
On Friday afternoon, your mom was reading over the mail while enjoying a cup of tea, when it hit her like a Mack truck: a ravenous thirst for your dad’s flawless love sausage.
“I know I made a promise to God to refrain from Joe’s you-know-what until Christ rises on the third day,” your mom says, “But God’s seen that wang himself—he’ll totally understand.”
Your mom could only hold herself back from that irresistible organ for so long—she’s just human, after all.
Your mom’s inability to hold back is far from out of the ordinary. In fact, this very Lenten failure has happened every year in your parents’ 30-year marriage.
“In 2003 I made it to Holy Thursday, and I was like, good e-freakin’-nough!” your mom recalls, pacing back and forth in the living room, waiting for your dad to return from the grocery store, sweaty and flustered because he couldn’t find the mustard seed she sent him out for.
Your mom’s sister, Aunt Joan, corroborates the notion that your mom does this every year.
“She always says, ‘This is the year! This is the year I’ll resist Joe’s perfect wang for a full 40 days!’” says Aunt Joan. “But honestly, this whole Lenten charade is definitely just a weird sex game for the two of them at this point.”
But your mom maintains that she still gets something spiritual out of this exercise.
“I still think it brought me closer to Jesus,” your mom says, full-on panting as dad takes his fucking time walking back from the grocery store. “Three week’s without Joe’s absolutely gorgeous masterpiece of a meat stick is equal to spending 40 years in the desert, as far as I’m concerned.”
Fair enough! Now, go get that schlong, mom!